Monday, May 21, 2007

Exposed

It hurts to be exposed. Nobody likes their dirty laundry to be aired. I am wondering, though, if airing our dirty laundry might be one of the most freeing experiences we could ever have.

A couple of my first posts--posts I wasn't publicizing at the time--described some of the choices George has made that hurt me deeply. I've deleted those posts because George doesn't want his dirty laundry aired all over the internet. My first choice was to make this blog "by invitation only". But after some time, prayer, thought, etc., I know that's not the best route.

George told me yesterday that he was mad at me last week. He was mad because he was exposed and I could see him for who he is. He said he has problems but doesn't like dealing with them...but if those problems are exposed, he is forced to deal with them...and so he was mad at me. I can completely understand that!!! I know for certain that's true for me too. I certainly created a nice image to portray to everyone around me. The problem is, that image was a lie. I wasn't exposing my true self.

The truth is, until I understood the magnitude of grace, that image was like my sanity. But when I found out that God says...You are excellent in my eyes, You are my child--created to reflect my image, You don't have to clean up your act in order to receive my blessings, You-Are-Good-Enough...I slowly began to free myself from the bondage of my false self.

Exposure. I want to be exposed. I want my family to be exposed. No false selves, no cover ups, just realness. Beautiful authenticity!

I'm keeping this blog public, but will only expose the details of my feelings, choices, and actions. I may have to give a vague description of something that pertains to a choice George has made, but it's not my place to air his dirty laundry. Actually, it's not my place BECAUSE George was open and honest with me last night. He wants to work on our marriage and has agreed to the two commitments I have asked for. The first is to go through individual counseling and the next is to be mentored by someone in our church. I had to really think about what actions he could make that would help me to feel secure in moving forward with him. As much as I love him and want our marriage to heal and fly in the face of satan, I couldn't move forward without some tangible evidence that he is committed. Both of the boundaries I set for myself I knew would be hard for George. And I also knew that if he agreed to them, he loves me and he's serious about us.

I don't know what our future holds. But that's really not mine to worry about!! I've gone from taking life one day at a time to taking life one hour at a time. I won't plan my future...I can't because it's just not up to me. I'll go where God takes me.

6 comments:

April said...

Your honesty and openness will heal, Erin. The result may not be a you want, but it will heal. I am praying for you and hurt with you as someone who has been through hurt and rejection in my marriage, as well as been the one to cause hurt and do the rejecting. I love you and George and have no judgement toward either of you in your journey to find healing and let God mold you into who He desires you to be.

Anonymous said...

Erin and George,

I am reading Velvet Elvis right now and I'm just at the part where Rob Bell talks about how we must go through pain in order to grow. What struck me (and I know it's not a new concept or anything) is how refreshing it was to be reminded that pain is one way God gets our attention sometimes. Not that I think God wants us to hurt one another, but I know that you know that the hurt in your marriage is really a symptom of other pain - previous hurt. So, what am I trying to say...??? I guess I am sort of rejoicing with you both that you are moving forward (and I mean really moving forward). You're facing the tough things that no one wants to face, you're allowing yourselves to feel the harsh pain that everyone wants to avoid and through all of this I have no doubt that God is changing you, refining you and loving you emmensely (and I intend a plural "you" here).

I can only imagine how God will use your openess to speak to others about their own pain, weakness and healing.

You are both so loved. My love to Jackson too.

Alexis

Anonymous said...

Your family is in my prayers. Thank you for being open. We love you all.
Kristin

sherry said...

How extremely brave you are by voicing your emotions. You don't know me, but I am praying.

Debbie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Debbie said...

I'm Adrienne's friend from WA that she mentioned in your last post. Know that I will be praying for you and George.
Feel free to email if you have the chance; I'm rooting for you! bdwoolsey at hotmail dot com.