It hurts to be exposed. Nobody likes their dirty laundry to be aired. I am wondering, though, if airing our dirty laundry might be one of the most freeing experiences we could ever have.
A couple of my first posts--posts I wasn't publicizing at the time--described some of the choices George has made that hurt me deeply. I've deleted those posts because George doesn't want his dirty laundry aired all over the internet. My first choice was to make this blog "by invitation only". But after some time, prayer, thought, etc., I know that's not the best route.
George told me yesterday that he was mad at me last week. He was mad because he was exposed and I could see him for who he is. He said he has problems but doesn't like dealing with them...but if those problems are exposed, he is forced to deal with them...and so he was mad at me. I can completely understand that!!! I know for certain that's true for me too. I certainly created a nice image to portray to everyone around me. The problem is, that image was a lie. I wasn't exposing my true self.
The truth is, until I understood the magnitude of grace, that image was like my sanity. But when I found out that God says...You are excellent in my eyes, You are my child--created to reflect my image, You don't have to clean up your act in order to receive my blessings, You-Are-Good-Enough...I slowly began to free myself from the bondage of my false self.
Exposure. I want to be exposed. I want my family to be exposed. No false selves, no cover ups, just realness. Beautiful authenticity!
I'm keeping this blog public, but will only expose the details of my feelings, choices, and actions. I may have to give a vague description of something that pertains to a choice George has made, but it's not my place to air his dirty laundry. Actually, it's not my place BECAUSE George was open and honest with me last night. He wants to work on our marriage and has agreed to the two commitments I have asked for. The first is to go through individual counseling and the next is to be mentored by someone in our church. I had to really think about what actions he could make that would help me to feel secure in moving forward with him. As much as I love him and want our marriage to heal and fly in the face of satan, I couldn't move forward without some tangible evidence that he is committed. Both of the boundaries I set for myself I knew would be hard for George. And I also knew that if he agreed to them, he loves me and he's serious about us.
I don't know what our future holds. But that's really not mine to worry about!! I've gone from taking life one day at a time to taking life one hour at a time. I won't plan my future...I can't because it's just not up to me. I'll go where God takes me.