Yesterday I got out all of Jackson's old clothes and started sorting through them so that I can take the good ones to a consignment shop. I didn't expect it to be so hard. I had expected to use the clothes again for Griffin and holding those little outfits was a harsh reminder that Griffin won't wear them. Memories kept flooding my heart and mind. It is difficult to accept that the life I tried so hard to create for my family just did not work. George, Jackson, and I did have lots of great time together and it was those precious family times that I was fighting so hard to hold on to. For me, they were reason enough to work hard to heal our family.
So anyway, it was a nostalgic day and Jackson was with George. I'm certain the aloneness made the nostalgia more intense. I finished the two books I'd been reading: Diary of a Real Estate Rookie and A New Kind of Christian so I headed out to the library to return them and to see if I could find anything else I'd like to read. I read the jacket of Heaven by Randy Alcorn and was instantly drawn to discovering more about where Griffin is living. I also checked out the new Robert B. Parker novel, Stone Cold. I just finished it. Heaven is waiting on my bedside table and I'll start it tonight.
I cannot express the depth of my hope for our future. God's promises are so hugely intense and wonderful!! I've shared some things that I'm doing differently now, having learned some painful lessons. Something that has been striking me lately is that I have more patience now. "Good things come to those who wait." I have lots of dreams and aspirations...always have. But the "old me" couldn't wait for anything. I had to have it/do it NOW! I jumped the gun too many times, cutting corners and expecting everything to "work itself out". No more. I'm exercising caution and patience and combining them with hard work, prayer, and active listening. There is a really common saying that has started to really bother me. "Life is short". Well, not really. Life is eternal. What does living with an eternal perspective look like? I guess for me it means living patiently, making wise decisions, exercising caution, amongst other things. I can't cram a bunch of activities into my schedule in order to be sure that I don't die with any regrets. My priorities are my son, my family, my friends, and anyone else God intersects me with. I want to be really aware of relationship opportunities. I don't want to be so busy that I don't have time to stop to talk the lady in the grocery store who is just dying for someone to care. Or whoever. For some reason, I always think of meeting people in a grocery store. Strange. But you get my point.
I have been given a huge responsibility. His name is Jackson. His favorite thing to do right now is to play Memory with Mom. He's really good at it. The more we play, the better he gets, and the more opportunities I have to applaud him. I make a point to look for reasons to be proud of him. He amazes me when he just breaks out in prayer, usually in the car. Today we were driving home and he said, "God, please send me a little brother like Griffin." Oh man, that one got me good. He catches me off guard. He is a really great person.
Well, I could go on, but it's way past my bedtime and my laptop battery is about to die. Peace be with you!