Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Memories and Hope

Yesterday I got out all of Jackson's old clothes and started sorting through them so that I can take the good ones to a consignment shop. I didn't expect it to be so hard. I had expected to use the clothes again for Griffin and holding those little outfits was a harsh reminder that Griffin won't wear them. Memories kept flooding my heart and mind. It is difficult to accept that the life I tried so hard to create for my family just did not work. George, Jackson, and I did have lots of great time together and it was those precious family times that I was fighting so hard to hold on to. For me, they were reason enough to work hard to heal our family.
So anyway, it was a nostalgic day and Jackson was with George. I'm certain the aloneness made the nostalgia more intense. I finished the two books I'd been reading: Diary of a Real Estate Rookie and A New Kind of Christian so I headed out to the library to return them and to see if I could find anything else I'd like to read. I read the jacket of Heaven by Randy Alcorn and was instantly drawn to discovering more about where Griffin is living. I also checked out the new Robert B. Parker novel, Stone Cold. I just finished it. Heaven is waiting on my bedside table and I'll start it tonight.
I cannot express the depth of my hope for our future. God's promises are so hugely intense and wonderful!! I've shared some things that I'm doing differently now, having learned some painful lessons. Something that has been striking me lately is that I have more patience now. "Good things come to those who wait." I have lots of dreams and aspirations...always have. But the "old me" couldn't wait for anything. I had to have it/do it NOW! I jumped the gun too many times, cutting corners and expecting everything to "work itself out". No more. I'm exercising caution and patience and combining them with hard work, prayer, and active listening. There is a really common saying that has started to really bother me. "Life is short". Well, not really. Life is eternal. What does living with an eternal perspective look like? I guess for me it means living patiently, making wise decisions, exercising caution, amongst other things. I can't cram a bunch of activities into my schedule in order to be sure that I don't die with any regrets. My priorities are my son, my family, my friends, and anyone else God intersects me with. I want to be really aware of relationship opportunities. I don't want to be so busy that I don't have time to stop to talk the lady in the grocery store who is just dying for someone to care. Or whoever. For some reason, I always think of meeting people in a grocery store. Strange. But you get my point.
I have been given a huge responsibility. His name is Jackson. His favorite thing to do right now is to play Memory with Mom. He's really good at it. The more we play, the better he gets, and the more opportunities I have to applaud him. I make a point to look for reasons to be proud of him. He amazes me when he just breaks out in prayer, usually in the car. Today we were driving home and he said, "God, please send me a little brother like Griffin." Oh man, that one got me good. He catches me off guard. He is a really great person.
Well, I could go on, but it's way past my bedtime and my laptop battery is about to die. Peace be with you!

5 comments:

weavermom said...

Great thoughts - thanks for sharing! I will be thinking about the "life is short" for a long time - I have never thought of this perspective and it really hit me that this is so true.

I'm still praying for you as you grieve the losses you have endured this past year.

Shannon and Carey said...

Hi Erin!
Thank you for your comments. Yes Porter got all the groceries, LOL. In the beginning the docs were concerned about Abbey. But I gave it to God. Had to. OMG can I just tell you that God has so much in store for you and Jackson. I can remember feeling broken, thrown like a dishrag out in the cold. I thought people could instantly know what I was going through if they looked at me. I was distraught. Time heals all wounds. You will be there I promise. I am actually happy for your future. I know what happens and I wasnt even a praying woman like yourself when I was going through all of my "drama" or lets just be real and call it hell. Of course God didnt let me down. Although I was a believer I didnt give Him the time of day. I met my husband on the net so just goes to show you how weird life can be. I am just so thrilled for your future. Can I say this enough? I know your efforts are on Jackson which is so important. It breaks my heart when I see his little picture. I cannot imagine what it does to you. I am so grateful you have a huge support system. Keep your head high. Grieve when you need to. I spent the first Thanksgiving after my divorce by myself! I wanted it. I wanted to stay home, rent movies, read, curl up with my cats (I was in college) and just heal and reflect. Man was that brave of me. I guess Im telling you that bc there are times when youll amaze yourself at how strong you can be. I will be thinking of you and Jackson. You know, there are so many people who need prayer. Its so amazing. Since I had the babies and started to blog, I have run into so much pain. Pain that I know and pain that I dont. Some that I pray will never darken my doorway. Im glad I found you.
Your friend from across the miles!!
Georgetown is right up the street. I love Austin. Im from Tulsa though and Im partial to it still.
Please keep in touch and your blog is saved to my favs.
Shannon :)

SingerMamaMelody said...

Dear Erin,

I'll continue to pray for God to comfort you and to give you His strength. You have so much going on...

I'm so glad that your Jackson is such a gem and that you two can have such a nice time playing Memory together. I loved that game when I was a kid.

Blessings to you,
Melody

Anonymous said...

Erin,
You continue to be in my prayers as you go down this difficult road. It seems like things are finally looking up for you. I will continue to pray for you and little Jackson, that God will shower both of you with blessings. I hope the coming holiday season will be special to you and Jackson. Maybe you and Jackson can start a new tradition.
If you have a moment today send up a prayer for me. The man I fought so hard to get away from is going back to court today to try and get the kids taken away from me. I hope God is in my corner today.
Lots of Love
Debbie
debbieh5@hotmail.com

loving my life said...

Erin,
I can relate to the thought that it is so hard to swallow the fact that our lives will not be the way we planned. We wil be single mothers,so scary, yet so o.k if we continue to seek God's will thru all this. The one thing we differ in is my husband has not seen his child since he walked out on us. Sometimes I feel so guilty because right now I thank God I don't have to bear the loss of my time with my precious child on top of everything else. I am learning to accpet that it is a blessing the Lord has given, however fleeting it will be...
God Bless you Erin- I will be praying for you and Jackson.