Why Fight?

I was going to write about this anyway, but the last comment on my previous post has convinced me to write about this tonight.
WHY FIGHT?
First of all, God is my guide. I look to Him for guidance and to His followers for wise counsel. I have said from the beginning of this fight that if I feel that God is releasing me from this marriage, I will stop fighting for it. He HAS NOT released me.
Second, George has not made up his mind yet. He is still wrestling. That gives me hope. Hope that what I am fighting for will be won. I am not fighting for MY marriage, I am fighting for OUR marriage. I don't want to do marriage my way anymore, I want to do marriage God's way.
Third, Jackson "needs a mommy and a daddy in (his) house". This is what he told me the night George moved out. It is no fun for any kid to have his family broken apart. If there is any chance that we can heal our family, I am going to fight for it.
Look, if George truly wants to go on living as he has, then no-I don't want to be married to him. There is a chance that is what he will choose. I hope for his sake and Jackson's that is not the case. And I am not writing out the humiliating details of all the things he has done. I have written out the humiliating details of what I have done, however.
It is with a fierce love for my husband that I fight for him. It is that same fierce love that keeps this blog going.
I know the world's enemy would love for me to think that God didn't design George for me, that our marriage was a big mistake, that there's someone better out there for me. satan doesn't want me to fight for our marriage, he wants me to give up...HE WILL NOT WIN. God will get the glory NO MATTER WHAT.
I told George tonight that if he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, if he wants to continue down the path he has currently chosen, then I will let him go. He said he is not at that point.
I am so encouraged by the fact that God has laid my family on so many of your hearts. Thank you for holding us up in prayer and for standing with me in my fight for OUR family.
Blessings, friends.

Peel Back a Layer

George moved out yesterday. He does not want to be married to me, says he has been living a lie the whole time we've been together, and can't do it any longer. He says he does not have the same views or values that I have and can no longer pretend to be someone he isn't.
Now is when I let go. I have to just let go and let God work in George's life however He wants to. It may be through me and in our marriage, or it may not.
This is the hardest thing I've had to endure. You know, we go through really hard things in life and have to buckle down and make some tough decisions. But most of the time we still have some control over the situation. There is NOTHING I can say or do to change George's mind. It is completely out of my control. I can only make decisions for myself and for Jackson. This is a really hard thing for me!! But I'm open to anything God wants to do in my life...anything He wants to cleanse me of or change.
A wise friend of mine suggested I "peel back a layer" and ask myself what it is I wanted from my marriage and talk to God about it and ask Him to teach me something about those desires. I know I need to be in prayer and the obvious task is praying for George. But I felt like God was asking me to go down a different path. When I shared this with my friend, "peeling back a layer" was how he advised me.
My parents were here visiting from Texas last week and we spent the long weekend at friends' lakehouse on Lake Anna. I'll post some pictures of Jackson as soon as my Dad sends them to me. It was great to get away for some rest and relaxation. It was also great to be with godly people who love my family and want the very best for us. Sheli, who lives at the lakehouse, said she'll be praying for God to put George in a hole. He needs to spend some time in the belly of a whale!!
You know, I do not know how I would survive this time without God. And knowing that thousands of families experience this on a daily basis makes me want to get the message out even faster that THEY ARE NOT ALONE! That yes, there is actually an evil power that does not want their marriage to survive. But that God is there, desiring to be the glue that holds them all together.
I'm exhausted. Thank you for praying for me and sharing your own trials and triumphs with me. I am praying for you too!

Truth

It is my hope that people who care about George and me will ask US how we are doing and how they can support us. It has come to my attention that some people who George used to work with are gossipping about our situation. I'm not sure if ANY of them have actually read the blog and I know for certain that NONE have contacted either George or me to offer support. I'm hoping, though, that a few of them will read this post.

There are also some people who don't think this blog should exist. Apparently this is not the "right" way to seek support and I'M ruining George's reputation. Interesting that these people are so quick to judge my blog but don't care to address the real issue. Yes, I'm angry.

I'm not just blogging for my own support and for prayer for George and Jackson. I'm also blogging because I know I'm not alone. I know other people experience major pain in marriage but don't feel comfortable letting anyone know about it...lest they be judged.

The comments that have already been left leave me breathless!

I'm sharing my feelings here. I also intend to share truths as God speaks them to me. This weekend I am going to Lake Anna to hang out and have fun with my family. I also plan to take that time to dig into God's Word and find the Truths He speaks about men, women, their marriages, and their families. I also intend to check out what He says about gossip and the kind of damage it can cause.

I pray for those who don't understand the need for exposure and truth. I've certainly been there. I never want to go back...the freedom that comes with exposure and truth is well worth the pain of looking in the mirror.

What's The Measure of a Man?

First, I want to thank soooo many of you who have sent me encouraging emails and also posted encouraging comments on this blog. To know you are praying brings me much comfort.

Yesterday George and I had a counseling appointment. We both shared about what has been unhealthy in our relationship. It's very apparent that we don't have something healthy to go back to...we can only change and move forward. For me, it is exciting. I look ahead and see unlimited possibilities. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if we both submit fully to God, he will fill our marriage with love, joy, confidence, and friendship.

That's a big "if" though. George doesn't see it that way. He came out of counseling (this happens every time) feeling like we're too far-gone. Yesterday on the way home he told me he doesn't think he's in love with me anymore. I tried to explain again that the feeling of being in love is much different from the love and commitment of marriage...and that we can't wait around for passionate feelings---we have to actually act passionately about each other. He said that would be a miserable way to live. Ouch.

After some conversation that seemed to be going nowhere I said, "Well, you need to grow some balls and stop being such a coward." In case you don't know my issues (ha!), I have tried for too long to always say nice things...be nice, act nice, look nice, nice, nice, nice! Now I am learning that, in times like this, nice doesn't work. So in case you feel like my statement may have done harm, let me assure you, this man I am married to needs to hear the hard stuff. I need to say it.

And that brings me to the title question. What is a man? What does it mean when people say "be a man"? I'd love to know your thoughts. I'll tell you mine. In our particular situation, George being a real man of God would look like this: You know what? I'm scared. I've screwed up. I have been a horrible husband. I want to make things right. God says I'm the head of this family and even though I don't know how all of this will turn out, I'm going to fight for my wife and my child. I will not quit--we are in this together!

That's what I want to hear from him. The thing is, I'm seeing zero signs that this will ever happen. Once again, he made a commitment to working on our marriage but as soon as he was reminded of our past and how much it sucks, he became too afraid to step up to the plate.

In counseling yesterday I brought up the way I have treated George in our marriage. We talk a lot about the changes George needs to make because he's the one reluctant to change. I wanted to point out that I could see how George might be afraid to commit to me and then find himself a couple of years down the road being treated the same way I used to treat him.

You see, I thought I could change George. I saw the good in him but wanted him to get rid of all the crap and just embrace the good. George became a Christian while we were dating and I thought he was on the road to change. I was madly in love with him and wanted him to change quickly so that I could have everything I wanted. I knew in my heart that if he didn't make some changes, I shouldn't marry him. I married him anyway. I took on a mothering role with him and he fell right into the role of a child. What a recipe for disasaster!

A couple of years ago I really started resenting George. I was mad at him for drinking too much, cursing, getting angry so easily and making me feel horrible. I felt that outside of my marriage, I was growing personally and spiritually but in our marriage I was being squeezed to death. Somehow, I decided to try to shame George into changing. Now, logically this is truly absurd. But for some reason, it made perfect sense to me at the time. It makes me sick to know that I treated my husband so poorly and was basically a hypocrite. Tell me why in the hell George would want anything to do with God when I, a representative of Christ in my marriage, treated him like absolute crap?

I have repented of these horrible sins to both God and my husband and I have turned away from them. I made a choice to look at George and see him through God's eyes. To love him unconditionally and treat him as I would my very best friend. Unfortunately, though, it is too late for George. The damage is done and he can't forgive.

So what now? I have no idea. I feel lost. I covet your prayers today. I'm asking God to give me direction.

Exposed

It hurts to be exposed. Nobody likes their dirty laundry to be aired. I am wondering, though, if airing our dirty laundry might be one of the most freeing experiences we could ever have.

A couple of my first posts--posts I wasn't publicizing at the time--described some of the choices George has made that hurt me deeply. I've deleted those posts because George doesn't want his dirty laundry aired all over the internet. My first choice was to make this blog "by invitation only". But after some time, prayer, thought, etc., I know that's not the best route.

George told me yesterday that he was mad at me last week. He was mad because he was exposed and I could see him for who he is. He said he has problems but doesn't like dealing with them...but if those problems are exposed, he is forced to deal with them...and so he was mad at me. I can completely understand that!!! I know for certain that's true for me too. I certainly created a nice image to portray to everyone around me. The problem is, that image was a lie. I wasn't exposing my true self.

The truth is, until I understood the magnitude of grace, that image was like my sanity. But when I found out that God says...You are excellent in my eyes, You are my child--created to reflect my image, You don't have to clean up your act in order to receive my blessings, You-Are-Good-Enough...I slowly began to free myself from the bondage of my false self.

Exposure. I want to be exposed. I want my family to be exposed. No false selves, no cover ups, just realness. Beautiful authenticity!

I'm keeping this blog public, but will only expose the details of my feelings, choices, and actions. I may have to give a vague description of something that pertains to a choice George has made, but it's not my place to air his dirty laundry. Actually, it's not my place BECAUSE George was open and honest with me last night. He wants to work on our marriage and has agreed to the two commitments I have asked for. The first is to go through individual counseling and the next is to be mentored by someone in our church. I had to really think about what actions he could make that would help me to feel secure in moving forward with him. As much as I love him and want our marriage to heal and fly in the face of satan, I couldn't move forward without some tangible evidence that he is committed. Both of the boundaries I set for myself I knew would be hard for George. And I also knew that if he agreed to them, he loves me and he's serious about us.

I don't know what our future holds. But that's really not mine to worry about!! I've gone from taking life one day at a time to taking life one hour at a time. I won't plan my future...I can't because it's just not up to me. I'll go where God takes me.

We're all Bastards...

but God loves us anyway.
Pardon my frankness, but I'm pretty pissed off today. I'm pissed off at satan...the master of deceit. I am so sick of his lies. He wants my marriage, my husband, even my son and I'll be damned if I let him have his way!!
I am mad at George. I'm mad at him for being a coward. I'm mad at him for blatantly refusing God's grace. I'm mad at him for deciding that he'd rather leave his family and ignore our pain AND his instead of facing his fears and his sin, accepting forgiveness by repenting and looking to God for his future. God says George is his Beloved, that he has been created in His image, made to reflect his character and his glory...that there is nothing George can do that God cannot forgive. Why is it that some can hear this message and believe it is for them and others hear it but cannot accept that it applies to their lives?
And it is at this point in the conversation in my head that I feel a deep sadness for George. I cannot imagine the pain he is in...I am sure it is greater than my pain. To feel worthless, like a failure, without hope...I don't think I could function. When I pray, I pray that by the blood of Jesus Christ, who offers abundant life, Satan would lose his hold on my husband, that George would know the truth that has been declared over his life and turn away from the liar. I want others to join with me in this prayer because there is great power in the prayer of a believer! I will not lose hope, I will not stop fighting for my family!!
That's it for now. Remember that we're all bastards, adopted by God into his great family.

Forward Focus

I'm up before everyone else this morning...the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. The weather outside matches my mood.
I am, however, dealing with my feelings of anger toward George. I'm mad at him for being such a coward. I'm going to let myself be angry for a little while b/c I tend to see anger as a sin and so I've gone for a long time without letting myself ever feel angry.
I haven't decided yet if I'll let my friends know about this blog. Right now it is my private journal, a good way to get my thoughts out and something to look back at when we've made it through this trial.
Yesterday was a fantastic day for me. Jackson and I went to Charlottesville to shop for Mother's Day. First of all, we shared a burrito at Chipotle. That is a great way to start the day. I normally get a barbacoa burrito but sometimes it's pretty fatty so this time I got a carnitas burrito...wow! Even better with no fat. The weather was great yesterday...about 80 and sunny. Jackson and I walked around and picked out some gifts. I tried on about 30 items of clothing at Ann Taylor Loft (I love to shop and have not done so for about a year!). I didn't buy much because I don't need much, I just felt like treating myself to something. Anyway, while I was trying on clothes, Jackson sat outside my dressing room and read books. The retail gal kept coming in and asking at every door, "Are you doing okay in there?". Eventually, being the copy cat that he is, Jackson started trying to help the ladies. I was afraid he would look under the doors, but he didn't. He was a real trooper...he HATES shopping.
After shopping, we came home and I put Jackson down for his nap. Liz, his babysitter, got here and I left for work at JW. It was a slow night so they sent me home. When I got to my car, I called Sandy from church to see if she'd like to grab a cup of coffee and chat. I didn't reach her but left a message. I needed to find one more gift so I headed over to Kohl's...found it and headed to Target for a frapaccino. As I'm walking in the "out" door (which I never do), I ran into Sandy!! She saw me and stretched out her arms to give me a hug and turned right back around and we sat in Starbucks for about an hour. It was a great God intersection! Thanks God! She was so encouraging. I love our church the people there and part of me wishes I could stay here and that things were great with me and George so we could be involved in ministry at HBC together.
God just told me something. It's so obvious, but I couldn't even see it! I have felt that God wanted us to minister in some way at HBC, but now that I'm leaving I couldn't see what it might be. But now I know. I've got to share my story. My one desire for this community is that they'd learn to see Christ for who he really is and become open, real, and raw and givers and receivers of grace. Thanks God!
Well, that's quite enough...I'd say I got more out of blogging this morning than I thought was possible.
Peace.