repentance

re·pent·ance –noun
1. deep sorrow, compunction, or contrition for a past sin, wrongdoing, or the like.
2. regret for any past action.

hu·mil·i·ty –noun
the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

hum·ble adj.
Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.
Showing deferential or submissive respect: a humble apology.
Low in rank, quality, or station; unpretentious or lowly: a humble cottage.

Humility
a prominent Christian grace (Rom. 12:3; 15:17, 18; 1 Cor. 3:5-7; 2 Cor. 3:5; Phil. 4:11-13). It is a state of mind well pleasing to God (1 Pet. 3:4); it preserves the soul in tranquillity (Ps. 69:32, 33), and makes us patient under trials (Job 1:22). Christ has set us an example of humility (Phil. 2:6-8). We should be led thereto by a remembrance of our sins (Lam. 3:39), and by the thought that it is the way to honour (Prov. 16:18), and that the greatest promises are made to the humble (Ps. 147:6; Isa. 57:15; 66:2; 1 Pet. 5:5). It is a "great paradox in Christianity that it makes humility the avenue to glory."
Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary

For the past few weeks I have been asking God to show me how I have sinned against George. It is hard for George to communicate to me how I have hurt him...it always ends up sounding like he's accusing me and blaming me and then I get angry and defensive. And then we're both extra angry. My heart has been heavy and in my journey to become the woman that God created me to be, I have desired humility. I have written about my old desire to change George to be more of what I wanted him to be. Even though there are certain changes that would need to take place in order for our marriage to be healed, I have worked very hard at treating him with grace and acceptance. But I felt like I was missing something. I felt like my apologies were not enough for George.

Yesterday George and I had an argument and I was feeling really frustrated. I felt like all of the ways in which I have changed and grown have not been recognized by George. So after my phone died mid-conversation, I sat down to write out my thoughts and feelings. When I reread what I wrote, one paragraph really convicted me. I wrote:

Our marriage could have been saved. You know that I made a 180 degree turn when you finally talked to me about how you were feeling. Unfortunately, that change was not respected. You just continued to hurt me. Even when I was pregnant and carrying our child, you did not respect me. You will never know the depth of the hurt that I endured. I cry every time I think about it. You can try to compare my chiding you for being rude while we were married but I never abandoned you. Being abandoned is the absolute worst feeling in the world.

At the moment I read those words, God showed me that George has also felt abandoned. That when I withheld my love from him and became emotionally distant, he felt abandoned. He tried to tell me what he needed from me but I wouldn't give it to him without him giving me what I needed. Tears flooded my face when I realized the depth of George's pain. Being abandoned IS the worst feeling in the world. And we've both felt that way.

I talked to George this morning and repented. My sorrow was deep. I felt a cloud lift off of our relationship. I don't know if my repentance changes anything, but I made certain before I talked to George that I was repenting for the right reason. I didn't expect anything in return, I just wanted him to know how sorry I am for the hurt I caused him.

Friends

My friends have taken very good care of me. Since I encouraged you to help the single moms you know, I thought I'd take the time to share with you how my friends have helped me.

Shelly and Matt let us live in their basement! I helped with babysitting so I that I could also be a blessing to them.
Adrienne invited me on a mountain getaway that I couldn't normally afford and made me dinner. It was a great way to let my heart and mind rest and to feel special.
Audie and Alexis had us over for dinner a couple of times and included us in their tree cutting adventure!
Many people have sent cards and emails to let me know they're thinking of us.
Adrienne and Jason gave me a desk that they didn't plan to use in their new house. This saved me the cost of having to buy a new one.
Scott is letting me live in his house!!
Many friends have hired me to clean for them and have referred me to their friends.
Jenn and Eric gave me some Christmas Cash, which allowed me to really relax while I was in Texas.
Ginger put together a gift basket based on my "I'm thankful for..." list on Thanksgiving!! She gave me gift cards to Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, Starbucks, & Tokyo Joe's and a candle, some coffee, a Mercy Me CD, and chocolate. I was speechless.
Jenn gave us a ride to the airport and April picked us up at the last minute!
Kathryn purchased a skin care set from me.
Lisa sent me an encouraging card and a generous gift.
Many people have offered to help with watching Jackson.
Kim sent me a fancy ring of notecards to help me in my quest for memorizing Scripture. She also sent Jackson some cool pins...which he loves. Thanks Kim!

I'm sure there are many more that I'm forgetting to mention right now. Thanks, friends, for loving us and taking such good care of us.

It's been a long time, huh? I hardly had time time to breathe during the 2 weeks prior to December 20th. Jackson and I left for Texas on the 20th and got back to Colorado last night. Yesterday was long and ugly...as Jackson put it, "Mom, we've got to get out of this mess!". But we did have a good time with our family in Texas and it was wonderful to get some R & R. I'll post some pictures as soon as Blogger will let me.
I have been hesitant these last few months to post much about my marriage. I didn't want to create a barrier that would keep us from restoring our relationship. But it seems that much of what I do or don't do makes no difference where my marriage is concerned so I'm going to give a detailed update.

Most of this post has been removed.

He was letting me take all of the responsibility and of course I am, because I'm a mom!! So far I have not received child support since October 4th when he gave me about 60% of that month's support. I am selling things left and right to keep up with the cost of supporting myself and Jackson and I'm cleaning about 4 days a week and working real estate the other 3 days plus all evenings after Jackson goes to bed. I am thankful that I have the ability to work hard but it is taking everything out of me. And I can't live in Scott's house forever...we'll need a place of our own soon. I'm writing about this because I have a new understanding of what it means to be a single mom. Please, if you know a single mom, do what you can to help her. It's hard to ask for help because I don't want to interfere with my friends' lives, but I don't have family here to ask. And I only have one kid! I can't imagine what's it's like for single moms with more than one kid who work 5 days a week and are solely responsible for the livelihood of their families. Emotionally, it is hard to be without a partner and to constantly worry about how your kids are handling the divorce. Physically, it's hard to be responsible for a house, the yard, the car, yourself, your kids, and your bills. Mentally it's hard to parent alone, to make decisions alone, and to be the sole bread winner. Single moms are amazing!!!
I will be starting DivorceCare next month and have heard that it is an amazing program and very helpful in embracing forgiveness. I still have a soft spot in my heart for G and pray daily that he will become humble, loving, kind, and responsible. We go to court January 7th to receive our divorce decree.
I have a lot more on my heart but I will continue at another time. This post is already a novel!
Merry Christmas and I pray that all of you reading will embrace the message that God sent us through his son, Jesus Christ. God's kingdom is at hand, it is available, you need only believe it and start living a transformed life. Happy New Year!

Had to

share these tips. I'm reading Barbara Corcoran's Use What You've Got and in it she shares her mom's unconventional lessons such as:
* If you don't have big breasts, put ribbons on your pigtails.
* When the clubhouse is quiet, they're probably not making spaghetti.
* If you want to be a cheerleader, you better know the cheers.
* When there are 10 buyers and 3 puppies, every dog is the pick of the litter.
* Jumping out the window will make you either an ass or a hero.
* You've got to bully a bully.

God has blessed me with a booming cleaning business. I plan to hire someone to help me in January. That said, I can't get ahead with the income I'm currently earning. It's time to get down to business in real estate. Unfortunately, in this market, with 10 buyers comes a lot more than 3 puppies! So, it's a tough market, that's okay. I'm just going to put this out there -- my goal is to sell $6 million in real estate next year. I'm usually a $5 million producer and that's good income, but I want to surpass that and really grow my business. If you're not into business, I'm sorry if I'm boring you. There are 2 things I really love reading about and talking about: the living out of Christian faith and business strategies and practices.

So I'm thinking about starting a real estate blog. What do you think? Everyone hears on the news what goes on in the real estate market...but that's from a national perspective and real estate is different city by city. I think it would be cool to write about what I experience in the market on a daily basis. I'm sure there are other people around the country doing this, but I haven't heard of them yet. But who cares, right? There will always be other people doing what I'm doing. I just have to do it better. :-) So, would you read a local real estate blog? If you're not currently concerned about the real estate market, would you read the blog if you were getting ready to put your house on the market or start looking for a new place to live?

Okay, onto to other thoughts. I was at a really fun wine tasting party last night at Thomas and Dana's house. There must have been about 30 people there and it was a good crowd. Somehow a few of us got into a conversation about emergent churches and reformed churches. It was great conversation. I am fairly educated about the emergent church network, but had not heard of Mark Driscoll and the reformed church movement. Obviously I've heard of the Reformation, but not the new breed. This morning I was researching Mars Hill Church, Mark Driscoll, emergent village, and Brian MacLaren and what I found was deeply disturbing. One opposes the other's questions and beliefs and because each movement has a ginormous following, I fear the Christian community is gearing up for another fundamental split. The big split we all know of and hear about is between the conservatives and the liberals--Christians, that is. Now I fear that because one movement is asking "can we move beyond conservativism and liberalism into the postmodern world?" many people will be afraid of the question and not even consider what the answer may be. God tells us that because we have his Spirit, we will know the truth. We don't have to be afraid of the questions and the conversations. It's okay to think outside the box!! I find it hard to believe that 16th century theologians have the final say on interpretation of God's Word!! Don't get me wrong, I believe in absolute truth and scriptural inerrancy. What I'm saying is that it is so easy to become a fundamentalist. We MUST be careful about becoming self-righteous and so worried about being right. How do we, as Christ followers, fit into the 21st century? While the rest of the world is evolving, emerging, growing, thinking, and embracing uniqueness, I think it is pretty safe to say that Christians and the Church have some catching up to do.
And just so I'm clear, I'm not associating myself with either the emergent church or the reformed church. I associate myself with Jesus Christ. And I like to know what's happening in his Church.

Monday thru Saturday

I like the new me. I've been pondering the peace I have and comparing my new self to my old self. I think truly liking, even loving, myself is a huge factor. When the rug was pulled out from under me back in April, I asked, "Who does God say that I am?". God says he created me in his image. So that tells me that at the heart of me is God and his qualities. The more I discovered God's love for me, the more I fell in love with God. And the more I have connected with God, the more I love myself. And the more I seek God and obey him, the more I like myself.
Something I want everyone to know is that God speaks to me through his Word. That dusty Bible that might be sitting on a shelf beyond reach in your closet holds miracles just waiting to happen...if only you'd read it. I go to a church that delivers a God-given message each and every Sunday. It's inspiring and powerful but it's not enough. Corporate worship is an integral part of my faith journey, but the most powerful part comes from God's Spirit...which is this crazy combination of his Word and the Holy Spirit. Every time I open my Bible, I ask God's Spirit to speak to me, to give me a new word and to help me hear it. There have been times in the last year that I've just gone in search of something in God's Word, only to have to stop after a few minutes and ask God to guide me. I guess it's similar to the idea of praying in the Spirit...only it's reading in the Spirit. Of course, they may be one in the same.
All that to say that God gave us his Word...I mean, it's not just this little project he thought he'd tackle for fun. God knows you. He made you, he knows every thought you have, he knows...even the stuff you hope nobody knows. So if you have the message of God, the famous one, sitting somewhere in your house, gathering dust, go get it. Blow off the dust. Talk to God, ask him to speak to you, and open up his Word that he breathes new every time one of his Beloveds lays eyes on it.