There were apparently some grief triggers during my out of town trip last weekend and so, beginning this past Monday, I have felt the deepest, most painful sadness I could ever imagine. I thought I was just missing my friend, but my sadness didn't match up with the state of our friendship. So I just figured I was psycho or something and was angry with myself for being so emotional. I have a really smart friend, Christina, who was my very best friend in college and I called her Wednesday night and said:
Me: Christina, I need to talk to you about my frequent crying episodes.
Christina: You're having crying episodes?
Me: Yes, it's awful.
Christina: Well, what has happened?
Me: Nothing! I am just a total freak show!! I had a great trip and now I'm back and I'm a wreck.
Christina: Um, Erin, are you kidding me? You got the sh*t kicked out of you last year, that's what has happened.
Me: Ohhhh. Is that what you think this is about?
Christina: Yes! This is not about you missing your friend. This is about you experiencing 2 major losses, then moving across the country and going straight into survival mode. This is so normal. Frankly, I am relieved to hear that you are sad and having crying episodes. You need to grieve!
Me: But it's so painful. How do I make it stop?
Christina: Erin, I know you are a very productive person so when you want something in your life to change, you make it change. But you can't do that with grief. You have to just go through it.
Me: Great. How long did it last for you after your Dad died?
Christina: Probably a good solid year.
Me: I am going to need some drugs to be able to function. I cannot function like this.
Christina: Drugs might help, and stock up on the wine and a journal. Maybe write some poetry.
Me: Well, this has been very helpful. I don't feel like such a freak show now. I kept wondering when it would hit me. I guess it's now.
I thought I was feeling a little too good considering what I've been through. I do have a natural anti-depressant that I started taking tonight. It apparently provides results within a few days. I'll let you know. It's called Anxius.
I talked with a counselor today and we'll talk again next week. She was very helpful and full of insight into the grief triggers and my fear of abandonment and anticipation of rejection. Fun stuff.
I'm pretty darn overwhelmed. This is the single mom life. Unless you have lived it, you can't comprehend it. I had the pleasure of hearing Angela Thomas speak tonight and as she described the life of a single mom, I couldn't believe that we actually do what we do and stay alive. I am not tooting my horn, here, I hope you know that. I'm not doing it real well at the moment, but I'm doing it the best I can. I guess that's all I can do.