Friday, April 4, 2008

It's not over yet...

Well, for all of you who have been amazed at my strength through this past year, I've got news for you: THE GRIEF HAS BEGUN!!!
There were apparently some grief triggers during my out of town trip last weekend and so, beginning this past Monday, I have felt the deepest, most painful sadness I could ever imagine. I thought I was just missing my friend, but my sadness didn't match up with the state of our friendship. So I just figured I was psycho or something and was angry with myself for being so emotional. I have a really smart friend, Christina, who was my very best friend in college and I called her Wednesday night and said:
Me: Christina, I need to talk to you about my frequent crying episodes.
Christina: You're having crying episodes?
Me: Yes, it's awful.
Christina: Well, what has happened?
Me: Nothing! I am just a total freak show!! I had a great trip and now I'm back and I'm a wreck.
Christina: Um, Erin, are you kidding me? You got the sh*t kicked out of you last year, that's what has happened.
Me: Ohhhh. Is that what you think this is about?
Christina: Yes! This is not about you missing your friend. This is about you experiencing 2 major losses, then moving across the country and going straight into survival mode. This is so normal. Frankly, I am relieved to hear that you are sad and having crying episodes. You need to grieve!
Me: But it's so painful. How do I make it stop?
Christina: Erin, I know you are a very productive person so when you want something in your life to change, you make it change. But you can't do that with grief. You have to just go through it.
Me: Great. How long did it last for you after your Dad died?
Christina: Probably a good solid year.
Me: I am going to need some drugs to be able to function. I cannot function like this.
Christina: Drugs might help, and stock up on the wine and a journal. Maybe write some poetry.
Me: Well, this has been very helpful. I don't feel like such a freak show now. I kept wondering when it would hit me. I guess it's now.
I thought I was feeling a little too good considering what I've been through. I do have a natural anti-depressant that I started taking tonight. It apparently provides results within a few days. I'll let you know. It's called Anxius.
I talked with a counselor today and we'll talk again next week. She was very helpful and full of insight into the grief triggers and my fear of abandonment and anticipation of rejection. Fun stuff.
I'm pretty darn overwhelmed. This is the single mom life. Unless you have lived it, you can't comprehend it. I had the pleasure of hearing Angela Thomas speak tonight and as she described the life of a single mom, I couldn't believe that we actually do what we do and stay alive. I am not tooting my horn, here, I hope you know that. I'm not doing it real well at the moment, but I'm doing it the best I can. I guess that's all I can do.


Misi said...

i know what you mean, i keep wondering when it will "hit" me too. i have been so worried about just surviving that i haven't taken time out to grieve. i'll be praying for you. just remember your made of strong stock and you will get thru this!!!!

weavermom said...

It's good to hear that you are taking care of yourself and that you have talked to someone who was able to give you some insight.

Praying for you as you walk through this next step of your journey. God got you this far - He won't let you down now! :)

rackrec said...

In hearing, again, the story of Paul pleading with the Lord to remove the thorn in his flesh, I gained some new insights. 1) The Hebrew word for "thorn" is "stake". WOW! Imagine the difference between having a "thorn" in your flesh compared to having a "stake" in your flesh!
2)And what did God say to his devoted servant, Paul? NO! and what was His reason for saying NO!
because, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." If you can get through the valley that you are in, by yourself, then who gets the glory? But if the King of the Universe, is the One who gets you thru the valley, then HE gets the glory, because in YOUR weakness HE IS MADE STRONG. Its not about US but always all about HIM. You have no idea how many lives have been touched by your faithfulness . . . and its always pointed us to HIM, the author and perfector of our faith.
He holds you in the palm of His hand and loves you with an everlasting love.
Covering you in prayer . . .
"For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things." Rom 11:36

Megan said...

It took me a year to start grieving too. I stuffed it all inside. I was numb and then one day over the silliest thing I just lost it! Good advice though. Just grieve. You couldn't force it to go faster. You've been through so much. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. It is a great encouragement. It's good to see Christian women being "real". I was so glad to see you blogging again.:)

Pastor Linda said...

Psa. 63:7 says "Because you are my help I sing in the shadow of your wings." May you know you are in the shadow of His wings during this painful grieving time. And we look forward to the song you will sing because He is your help.