Saturday, April 26, 2008

The Learning Curve

Patience. Purity. Passion. Self-Control. Obedience.
None easy.
The last month has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. I've had to really be focused on practical thought and I'm not the most practical, one day at a time sort of person. I tend toward day dreaming and romancing pretty much everything.
I have been dealing with some regret about how I moved along in a relationship. I moved with caution at first and thought I was in a safe place. The next thing I knew, my vulnerability got in the way of caution. The regret was overwhelming. I've talked to God a lot about it and realize I can't go back and change anything, I can only move forward and move differently. God has, as always, comforted me.
A couple of weeks ago at church, I was worshipping and asking God to forgive me for shifting my focus off of Him for a short season. I told Him I want to be beautiful to Him. I want my life to please Him. And that I want to attract someone who values the same qualities that God values. After worship, I turned to "greet those around me" and shook hands with Marie, a woman I knew of but had never met. Later on, I was talking to a friend in the hallway when Marie came up to me, put her hand on my shoulder, and said, "Erin, I hope this doesn't embarrass you but..." and I said, "Okay..." and she said to me, "I noticed you come in and get settled in your seat for worship and I was so struck by your presence. I thought to myself 'My, what an attractive woman!' I mean, the way you hold yourself and you're dressed so cute, I just couldn't take my eyes off you until I could see your face clearly. I just had to tell you what an attractive woman you are." I was not expecting her to say THAT!! So of course I said Thank You...and then I followed that up with, "I hope some man thinks that someday!" She made a "thinking face" and we laughed. So I finished chatting with people and got Jackson and we headed home. While in the car, it hit me like a ton of bricks that God had just spoken to me through Marie! I started to cry as I thanked Him, in complete wonder that He cared so much. And also humbled that His forgiveness is so immediate. He holds no grudges. He forgave me for not keeping Him #1 and assured me that I am still beautiful to Him. Amazing. Grace.
I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to being vulnerable and open, but still protecting my heart. I'm reading Passion and Purity right now and Elisabeth is teaching me a lot. My counseling went really well too. I had 4 sessions in 2 weeks and now I'm on a "call when I need to talk" plan. :-)

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