Saturday, June 28, 2008

My Heart

I'm going to pick up Jackson in Austin Wednesday. I cannot wait to see his beautiful smile and kiss his sweet cheeks.

This time without him has been good for me. He has informed me on every phone call that he is having a great time and that he wishes I could be there. It helps to know he's having so much fun. It has allowed me to rest and to catch up on my life. It has also allowed me to reflect on our relationship and how it has developed over the past 5 years. There are things I would do differently, given the chance. And there are things I will do differently from now on. I never dreamed my son would experience the divorce of his parents. It really and truly sucks. I want Jackson to know everyday that he is passionately loved and that he is extremely special. I can tell him that over and over but it will really mean something when he sees it in my actions. I don't know if single moms ever leave survival mode. There is so much at stake here, so very much. I can screw up my own life all I want, but I can't screw up my kid's life. Every decision is carefully weighed and prayed about. I can't do anything without wondering about the consequences. It's getting easier and I'm getting used to living this way. In fact, I like it. It feels good to be so careful when I was careless for so long.

Some friends of mine that I met 6 1/2 years ago at an Open House just had their 3rd baby. Her name is Ella Grace. Beautiful, huh? I am so happy for them. They, too, have had to give up some things and live more carefully than they had in the past. I just looked at the slide show they made of Ella's arrival. I started to cry when I saw the joy on their faces. The two little boys were in awe of their new sister. What a gift! Truthfully, I wonder if I'll ever experience a happy family with a mom, a dad, and more kids. I know God loves me, it's not that I'm questioning whether or not it could happen. I just don't want to assume that it's God's will for me. God blessed me with an exceptionally lovable child. He pursues me at every moment and I desire to let Him treasure me and fall more in love with Him daily. I don't think that being married with lots of kids is God's ultimate blessing. I hope that doesn't sound callous, but I sure can't find where He says that in His Word. Anyway, I am praying that my great desire will be that God can move through me and touch the lives of others. However He needs to do that, whatever brings Him fine by me.

I have Jackson. What a tremendous treasure! The truth is that God could take him at any moment. God could take any of us when we're least expecting it. I think my time and my thoughts are better spent on loving Jackson than imagining what kind of a man God might like to bring along for me. ;-) Don't get me wrong, I'm human. I want another adult to do life with. But we don't always get what we want, do we?


Adrienne said...

Great pic of your little man. I'm so excited you guys get to be together again soon and that the time apart has also been sweet. Thanks for sharing your heart here.

Kelsey said...

i can't wait to see you guys on wednesday!

Dena said...

Stay the course and stay strong

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect
Psalms 18:32