Thursday, July 10, 2008

flawed

These days I find myself repeating over and over, "I trust You, I trust You, I trust You." The fight against my own flesh is never-ending, it seems. It is SO easy to fall back into harmful patterns of the past. I think I need to read my blog.
I traveled to TX last week. I missed my flight and had a melt-down at the United customer service counter. I was at the gate 10 minutes before my flight left and begged to get on the plane so I could meet up with my 5 year old son in Austin. The "customer service" person did not sympathize with me. People were watching me. I got on the next flight (3 hours later) stand-by. The night before I left for TX, I got a phone call from my relocation clients in AZ. They were planning to be in Denver Sunday thru Wednesday and needed to find a house and close at the end of the month. I was torn. On the one hand, I really needed that paycheck. On the other hand, I felt guilty because my Dad had purchased our plane tickets and I didn't want to have to change them and cut our visit short. I called my Mom. She said, "You need to go back early." So we changed the tickets to come back Sunday instead of Tuesday. I got up at 5:00 am on Sunday with Jackson and flew home, drove to Castle Rock, got ready to show homes in Golden, and took Jackson to a friend's house. Showed homes for 3 hours, came home and searched for homes for 3 more hours. Got up Monday morning and showed homes for 3 hours again, then drove to the other side of Denver to show more homes for 3 hours. As I was driving to pick up Jackson, I got a call from the AZ couple. They had decided to rent. Are you FREAKING kidding me? I wanted to cry. Lord, Lord, Why?
Of course, in my mind, what's best for me is lots of closings, easy clients, money in the bank, RIGHT NOW!!!! I suppose God sees that I still have some hard lessons to learn, especially patience and self control. I suppose I also have no idea what God has planned for me so I'd better be paying close attention.
I'd gotten to this good place regarding men and then POOF! I'm back to wanting what God has clearly said is not good for me right now. I was beating myself up about it, but I'm past that (yes, a lot can happen in 24 hours). Instead of trying not to feel a certain way, I've decided to talk to God about the feelings when they're flooding through me. I'm not talking about wanting a relationship in general, this one is specific. Don't you wish I could divulge all the details?!
On a totally different topic, there is a Fundie (short for Fundamentalist) at my church and he's kind of driving me crazy. Oh, the constant Scripture quoting and calling people heretics. Lord, help me behave!!!
I needed to purge. Thanks for listening.

3 comments:

Misi said...

Coming from one divorced woman to a soon to be yes I would like the details.
I have been very interested and pursued by a wonderful man(that I have known for 8 yrs) but is it right? Is it too soon?
Anyways totally understand if you don't feel comfortable sharing.
I'm praying for you guys still!!!

Tara said...

I have been following your blog off and on for sometime. I don't know the circumstances under which you were divorced, but I am trying desperately to save my marriage, with a man who I have been married to for 12 years and who has not been faithful.
I admire your strength and ability to breathe! I am struggling w/ all of that. I just wanted you to know that.

Sheri said...

Oh man, that was rough. I am don't think I could have kept it together. Total control freak here...
At least you were able to spend some time here in Tx with your folks. Maybe those guys will look you up when they are ready to buy.
Great pic of you two by the way.