Wednesday, August 27, 2008

This is me, on a regular basis

Please let me know if you have days like this:

After I picked Jackson up from school yesterday, we came home and I got ready to go to the gym. I'm training for the Denver Marathon (although I'm running the 1/2 marathon) on October 19th. My mom is coming up from TX to run it with me and I'm recruiting as many of my friends to run it as I can. So, I get changed, make a sandwich for Jackson to take to the gym, and head out the door. I lock the door from the inside and pull it shut and just as it clicks shut, I realize I left my keys inside. And then I remember that my spare keys are inside as well, instead of in the garage where they should be. Grrrreeaaat.

So I sit down on my front "porch" steps and call my landlord, Brett. Of course I know he's probably out of town on business. I leave him a message. I think about my options. I feel certain that I locked the door to my balcony, and also certain that even if it was unlocked, I would not be able to scale the wall to get up to my 2nd floor balcony. If there was any way I could avoid shelling out money for a locksmith, I would try it. So I called my friend, Matt. He's the type of person who would know how to pick a lock. He thought he might be able to do it, so he grabbed his car lock-picking tools and came over. He also brought a rope so he could scale the wall up to my balcony.

He scaled the wall, only to find a locked door. He worked diligently and with much fervor at picking my lock, but to no avail. Then my neighbor, MJ, came walking by. She works for the Sheriff's the jail. She's tough. She made some phone calls to see if any public safety departments could pick a lock. Nope.

While she was on the phone, Matt and I were sitting at the top of the steps. My other neighbor came out of her condo with her dogs, to let them go to the bathroom. The first dog, an Australian Shepherd raced past us to the grass and peed. MJ is not a huge fan of dogs, especially when they touch her. So when the next dog, Sadie (a golden retriever), came racing out, I grabbed her and held her between Matt and myself while her owner tried to get control of her dog situation. Well, Sadie loves people and was apparently dying to urinate, so as I'm holding her close to me, she begins to pee. And she's so excited about these new people that she's whacking her tail on the pavement with much glee...flinging the urine all over me and into Matt's hair. Totally disgusting, but also so funny that I just started to laugh. Of course, my neighbor was mortified and it was not her fault that we were sitting outside her condo, so I was really trying to make light of the situation. She got Sadie back inside and took the other dog for her quick walk. When she was out of earshot, MJ started walking up the steps and said, "Her freaking dogs are out of control" and she immediately tripped and fell on the steps. WHAT? What is happening here? She got up and said, "Well, that's what I get for talking badly about people." I just couldn't believe the sequence of events!

So, we called a locksmith. While we were waiting for him, Matt climbed back up to my balcony to untie his rope. Getting back down without a rope is tricky. So MJ, being really tough and all, thought perhaps she should help him. MJ is about 5 feet tall and pretty stocky. Matt can't see her and she walked right underneath him just as he was about to jump down! Matt said, "Oh, please don't do that, I almost jumped onto you" and MJ said, "No, it's okay, you can step on my shoulder to get down" to which Matt laughed and said, "Um, that doesn't sound like a good idea. I'd crush you." And he jumped down. Then MJ said, "You wouldn't have crushed me, how much do you weigh?" Matt said, "Oh definitely more than you. 205." MJ says, "Me too". WHAT??? Are they having this conversation??? Matt laughs and says, "No way." And MJ defends her weight, yes: 205 dammit. I don't want to think where the conversation is headed, so I thank MJ for her help and she goes into her house.

So, along comes the locksmith. He gets out is nifty little tool, puts it in the key hole, jiggles it around for about 3 minutes, and unlocks the door. $65. Perfect. Stupid-tax. I get out my checkbook and say, "who should I make the check out to?". Locksmith says, "you can make it out to me." "Great, what's your name?" "Jeff" "Do you have a last name?" Pause. Pause. "Heffner" AM I ON CANDID CAMERA???

My neighbor brought out some wipes for us to clean up with. I wiped off and asked Matt if he wanted a wipe for his hair. He said, "I don't have pee in my hair." I said, "Um, yes you do. It's crystalizing." He said, "No, it's just wax. I used a new hair product today." Okay, believe what you want to Matt. I just hope he showered before he went to bed.

--And yes, my playlist needs help. I'm working on it. Just replay Held over and over.


Michelle (wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, and striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman) said...

Too, too funny. I think I wish for more of those days...they keep you humble and remind us how human we really are. And, it's great blog material! At least for the reader! Ha!
Thanks for sharing,

Anonymous said...

Oh my..that is just too funny,sorry I'm really trying not to laugh,but thank the Lord it's over right? Did you end up going to the gym?

Unfortunately I have way toooo many days like that. why? why do these days happen? and always to me? Like yesterday, bought my daughter a carseat,come home put it together,wouldn't you know iiiiii picked the winner box with the defective broken seat that's cracked on the bottom? oh yea,had to drive alll the way back to the store for another one,then later that night we're walking out the door for an appointment,my other daughter comes over,tripping a little and dumping a pop all over my lap. Oh yea,happens all the time ::sigh:: :)

Erin said...

oh man, I must admit that I'm sort of glad other people have days like that. i endure lots of spillage too.