Is that it's a place for the blogger to write about whatever the heck he or she wants to write about. I, personally, have chosen to be quite vulnerable and express my feelings through what has been the hardest life lessons I have had to learn so far. Recently I have received some incredibly insensitive comments that have hurt me deeply. 2 of them were on the post titled Griffin Jacob, the son that we lost. The comments imply that I deserve what I have endured. That I am a fake.
About 10 years ago, I hurt a friend of mine. We weren't very close, but that doesn't matter...what matters is that her feelings were not put first and she was hurt. A few months afterward, I expressed to this friend my regret in hurting her. She forgave me. I was 21 years old and have learned a lot since then.
I certainly do not claim to be a good Christian. I claim to love and serve a God who unselfishly lavishes love and grace upon all of humanity. I often do not serve him as well as I would like to. I mess up all the time. And that is why I am so crazy about God. He is my maker and he loves me just the way I am. He wants what is best for me and has given me a masterpiece filled with hope and guidance for a joy-filled life. And I don't deserve it at all.
I'm not sure if the person writing in pursuit of hurting me is feeling like they need to defend the person I was married to for 6 1/2 years...but rest assured that those who know me and who read this blog without hatred know without a doubt that I love him. I care deeply for him and that is why my heart has felt so much pain.
So I will continue writing about my journey. It's a journey filled with mistakes, grace, forgiveness, and lots of love. But most of all my journey is one of hope. And I pray that it continues to be a testimony to others that God can restore even the most hopeless of situations.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Do I Want To Be A Christian?
I have been struggling with the term "Christian". I know where it came from and I know why it exists. But somehow it just doesn't seem quite right to me. I'm a child of God and I believe that Jesus is his son, The Messiah. This article, which I found on my friend's blog: http://www.blogtherefuge.blogspot.com/, puts into words what I've been thinking about.
this is written by jim henderson, the director of off the map & author of jim & casper go to church as part of january's issue of idealab, their monthly ezine. we liked it so much we thought we'd pass it on to refuge readers, too. enjoy.
In 1543 Nicolas Copernicus published his treatise De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium (The Revolution of Celestial Spheres) and ushered into popular discourse the phrase “Copernican Revolution.” This Copernican Revolution pitted one powerful paradigm – it’s all about us, against another – it’s all about something outside of us.
When paradigms collide it can make for lots of excitement and provoke tons of resistance from those holding a vested interest in maintaining the status quo… As Tom Friedman the Pulitzer winning journalist once commented “those with power never think about it but those without power think about it all the time”.
The unfortunate truth about history (thus far) is that when it comes to powerful paradigm change, the church has often been on the side of the resisters. Peter Drucker said, “Every few hundred years in Western society there occurs a sharp transformation. Within a few short decades, society rearranges itself… We are currently living through such a transformation.” Apparently, Drucker believed that we’re currently living through a cultural transformation unlike anything that has happened since the 18th Century. That would include the American Revolution, the Civil War, World Wars I and II, the atomic bomb and even the Beatles!
What if there’s a Copernican Revolution going on and we don’t “see” it, what if we’re on the wrong side again? Exploiting Discontinuity Napoleon made a name for himself by doing two things, (1) He chose to sneak up on his enemies instead fighting them head on and (2) he actually killed people. Prior to this, warfare in Europe was more like a professional sport. Generals were like attorneys. Feudal lords would hire the best Generals to lead their private armies into a battle where no one actually fought very similar to our judicial system where most cases are negotiated rather than litigated. Each General would attempt to gain an advantageous position on his opponent in anticipation that the loser would “sue” for an end to the war/game. No one wanted to waste their resources so once it became clear who would most likely win – they would break out the wine glasses, sit down and negotiate an agreement. By choosing to kill people Napoleon exploited the discontinuity and became the ruler of France (for awhile).
How can we exploit the discontinuity in our world and use it to advance this opportunity to free Jesus from the stranglehold religion has placed on him and once again take him public?
Why Do We Follow Culture
Where did the Jesus movement lose its edge? How did we get in bed with power? Where did we learn to follow rather than lead culture? Where is Jesus in this thing we call Christianity? How did we get into the religion business anyway? Where could you take Jesus to church and not feel like you had to explain it to him? In Transforming Mission, David Bosch writes “Jesus had no intention of founding a new religion” Somewhere along the line the Jesus Movement got into the religion business. This is so commonly accepted that I rarely hear it questioned and yet Jesus never said one thing about his movement adopting the world religions business model. What he did do was talk obsessively about advancing his movement (a.k.a. kingdom) How did it happen that we went into the business of church and religion?What happened to the Jesus Movement?How did Jesus the Savior subsume Jesus the Servant?Why do we Christians typically react to changes in culture rather than lead them? Free Jesus.
Off The Map is the organization I started seven years ago to help take Jesus public again. Free Jesus! Sounds arrogant doesn’t it? But if Drucker and Bosch are correct then this is a great time to attempt such a rescue. In case you didn’t get the memo…Jesus is not part of the public dialog on spirituality – We’ve ceded that ground to the Dali Lama, Wayne Dyer, Tony Robbins and Oprah.
What if Jesus was once again public property?What if following in the way of Jesus involved more than right beliefs? What if followers of Jesus led this movement and took the spirituality of serving public? What if Jesus was seen as the founder of a movement that serves others – instead of one that judges others? What if the Jesus movement got out of the beliefs business and back into the serving business where it all started?
Free Jesus!
Griffin Jacob
Today was Griffin's due date. It is hard to believe that under other circumstances, I would be preparing for my baby to come home.
Last night Jackson caught the end of a news story about a kindergartener who was killed by a falling flat screen TV. He was so sad about it and concerned for the boy who died, so we prayed for the boy and his family. I prayed first and then Jackson prayed a precious prayer. Afterward he said, "Mom, when will our baby come back to Earth?". I said, "Well, when Jesus comes back."
I was looking through pictures the other day and there were a lot that I took of Jackson in Virginia. I literally become sick to my stomach when I think of our time there. I also hate that Jackson has had to endure what he has. There have been a few times in the last week when someone has said, "So you just moved back from Virginia, right?". I feel my chest constrict and my stomach start to churn as soon as the statement has been said. I am so glad to be back in Colorado and out of that hell. I am grateful for all that I've learned and for the wonderful friendships that I had the opportunity to develop while I was there. But I certainly don't like to spend too much time thinking about all that went on during that time of my life.
I think about Griffin everyday. I'm not usually too sad, but a couple of times a week it's as though grief slaps me in the face. It only lasts a few minutes, but it always takes me by surprise. I'm definitely looking forward to getting to know him someday!
Last night Jackson caught the end of a news story about a kindergartener who was killed by a falling flat screen TV. He was so sad about it and concerned for the boy who died, so we prayed for the boy and his family. I prayed first and then Jackson prayed a precious prayer. Afterward he said, "Mom, when will our baby come back to Earth?". I said, "Well, when Jesus comes back."
I was looking through pictures the other day and there were a lot that I took of Jackson in Virginia. I literally become sick to my stomach when I think of our time there. I also hate that Jackson has had to endure what he has. There have been a few times in the last week when someone has said, "So you just moved back from Virginia, right?". I feel my chest constrict and my stomach start to churn as soon as the statement has been said. I am so glad to be back in Colorado and out of that hell. I am grateful for all that I've learned and for the wonderful friendships that I had the opportunity to develop while I was there. But I certainly don't like to spend too much time thinking about all that went on during that time of my life.
I think about Griffin everyday. I'm not usually too sad, but a couple of times a week it's as though grief slaps me in the face. It only lasts a few minutes, but it always takes me by surprise. I'm definitely looking forward to getting to know him someday!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Quick Note
Jeepers, I wish I had more time to post!
Thanks to those of you who have been praying...knowing that we went to court last week. The process isn't quite over yet but should be by January 29th.
I have been asked to speak at a Mom's Day of Prayer this coming Saturday, the 19th. I am one of 3 or 4 mothers who will be sharing their stories. I am really excited for this and have a pretty good idea of what I will be sharing...of course, I'd still love your prayers for God's message and love to shine through my story.
I wrote a response to a friend of mine who is going through a rough time and is hoping that this is the beginning of becoming a new person. I want to share with you what I wrote:
So...on becoming a new person. It's kind of indescribable. For a very long time...I guess about 10 years...I thought I understood Christianity. I thought I knew the formula for being a good Christian. In the fall of 2006 I did a phenomenal study of Romans and I finally started to comprehend grace. And that's when I started realizing that my approach to Christianity was backward. I started to loosen up a bit after that. And then when the rug was pulled out from under me last year, I thought, "Okay, everything must change. If I am not a successful Realtor, if I am not a beloved wife, who am I? Who does God say that I am?" And that's when my hunger for God's Word became insatiable. I couldn't get enough of it. I realized that my external circumstances could change at any time and so I had to be deeply rooted in the love of God. It's sooo hard to put what was happening inside me into words. But--when I went to the Word with that attitude, it read much differently than it had before. It didn't read as something I needed to understand correctly. It read as God speaking to me what I needed to know in that very moment. I knew that I would come back to those very words in a year or two and that God would be teaching me something different. I realized that I had failed my husband by not giving him the same grace that I accept on a daily basis from God. I am realizing more and more that modern Christianity has gotten very far from the teachings of Jesus. I had become rigid!! I couldn't even have much fun anymore. I realize that might be the opposite of your situation...which means you might actually be closer to becoming a new person than I was. The interesting thing about my situation is that I didn't think I was rigid. I thought I was open minded, against fundamentalism, radical even. But I was deathly afraid of sin. I didn't want to be near it. I didn't want to see my own sin. It's painful, but I now constantly look for the sin in my life. I believe 100% that exposure is the most freeing experience a person can have. Of course, that 's if the exposure is followed by repentance--obviously. Exposure-Repentance-Forgiveness. I have to be able to forgive myself. If God's not going to hold it against me, why should I?So...that's the best I can do right now. I realize your situation must be painful. I'm sorry. It sucks. I'm thankful that I can honestly say that the pain I experienced in Virginia might actually be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope that'll be true for you too! Love lots,Erin
Thanks to those of you who have been praying...knowing that we went to court last week. The process isn't quite over yet but should be by January 29th.
I have been asked to speak at a Mom's Day of Prayer this coming Saturday, the 19th. I am one of 3 or 4 mothers who will be sharing their stories. I am really excited for this and have a pretty good idea of what I will be sharing...of course, I'd still love your prayers for God's message and love to shine through my story.
I wrote a response to a friend of mine who is going through a rough time and is hoping that this is the beginning of becoming a new person. I want to share with you what I wrote:
So...on becoming a new person. It's kind of indescribable. For a very long time...I guess about 10 years...I thought I understood Christianity. I thought I knew the formula for being a good Christian. In the fall of 2006 I did a phenomenal study of Romans and I finally started to comprehend grace. And that's when I started realizing that my approach to Christianity was backward. I started to loosen up a bit after that. And then when the rug was pulled out from under me last year, I thought, "Okay, everything must change. If I am not a successful Realtor, if I am not a beloved wife, who am I? Who does God say that I am?" And that's when my hunger for God's Word became insatiable. I couldn't get enough of it. I realized that my external circumstances could change at any time and so I had to be deeply rooted in the love of God. It's sooo hard to put what was happening inside me into words. But--when I went to the Word with that attitude, it read much differently than it had before. It didn't read as something I needed to understand correctly. It read as God speaking to me what I needed to know in that very moment. I knew that I would come back to those very words in a year or two and that God would be teaching me something different. I realized that I had failed my husband by not giving him the same grace that I accept on a daily basis from God. I am realizing more and more that modern Christianity has gotten very far from the teachings of Jesus. I had become rigid!! I couldn't even have much fun anymore. I realize that might be the opposite of your situation...which means you might actually be closer to becoming a new person than I was. The interesting thing about my situation is that I didn't think I was rigid. I thought I was open minded, against fundamentalism, radical even. But I was deathly afraid of sin. I didn't want to be near it. I didn't want to see my own sin. It's painful, but I now constantly look for the sin in my life. I believe 100% that exposure is the most freeing experience a person can have. Of course, that 's if the exposure is followed by repentance--obviously. Exposure-Repentance-Forgiveness. I have to be able to forgive myself. If God's not going to hold it against me, why should I?So...that's the best I can do right now. I realize your situation must be painful. I'm sorry. It sucks. I'm thankful that I can honestly say that the pain I experienced in Virginia might actually be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope that'll be true for you too! Love lots,Erin
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