The Learning Curve

Patience. Purity. Passion. Self-Control. Obedience.
None easy.
The last month has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. I've had to really be focused on practical thought and I'm not the most practical, one day at a time sort of person. I tend toward day dreaming and romancing pretty much everything.
I have been dealing with some regret about how I moved along in a relationship. I moved with caution at first and thought I was in a safe place. The next thing I knew, my vulnerability got in the way of caution. The regret was overwhelming. I've talked to God a lot about it and realize I can't go back and change anything, I can only move forward and move differently. God has, as always, comforted me.
A couple of weeks ago at church, I was worshipping and asking God to forgive me for shifting my focus off of Him for a short season. I told Him I want to be beautiful to Him. I want my life to please Him. And that I want to attract someone who values the same qualities that God values. After worship, I turned to "greet those around me" and shook hands with Marie, a woman I knew of but had never met. Later on, I was talking to a friend in the hallway when Marie came up to me, put her hand on my shoulder, and said, "Erin, I hope this doesn't embarrass you but..." and I said, "Okay..." and she said to me, "I noticed you come in and get settled in your seat for worship and I was so struck by your presence. I thought to myself 'My, what an attractive woman!' I mean, the way you hold yourself and you're dressed so cute, I just couldn't take my eyes off you until I could see your face clearly. I just had to tell you what an attractive woman you are." I was not expecting her to say THAT!! So of course I said Thank You...and then I followed that up with, "I hope some man thinks that someday!" She made a "thinking face" and we laughed. So I finished chatting with people and got Jackson and we headed home. While in the car, it hit me like a ton of bricks that God had just spoken to me through Marie! I started to cry as I thanked Him, in complete wonder that He cared so much. And also humbled that His forgiveness is so immediate. He holds no grudges. He forgave me for not keeping Him #1 and assured me that I am still beautiful to Him. Amazing. Grace.
I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to being vulnerable and open, but still protecting my heart. I'm reading Passion and Purity right now and Elisabeth is teaching me a lot. My counseling went really well too. I had 4 sessions in 2 weeks and now I'm on a "call when I need to talk" plan. :-)

Thoughts and Feelings

Since my last post, I've had 2 counseling sessions and lots of ups and downs. I've come to realize that my current grief is not so much about the last year, but the reality of my life right now. I was in survival mode for so long and was so completely wrapped in the warmth of God that I didn't have a chance to realize that it pretty much sucks to be a single mom. Don't get me wrong, I am choosing to live a fabulous life. However, this life I'm living is not what I originally chose! It's been good to be able to talk to other single moms and just be real and say, "Yeah, this sucks." The loneliness is at times overwhelming and sometimes it's just a dull ache in the pit of my stomach.
There are so many ugly factors that we, as humans on Earth, have to live with. Ugliness that we didn't choose for our lives. I hope I can take the ugliness as a challenge to grow spiritually even though everything around me is in a state of constant decay. The more I learn about God and His desire for us, the more I am shocked at how far we are living from what He originally dreamed up. But He is in those of us who have made Him our Lord...and His Spirit does not decay. That is something worth living for!

It's not over yet...

Well, for all of you who have been amazed at my strength through this past year, I've got news for you: THE GRIEF HAS BEGUN!!!
There were apparently some grief triggers during my out of town trip last weekend and so, beginning this past Monday, I have felt the deepest, most painful sadness I could ever imagine. I thought I was just missing my friend, but my sadness didn't match up with the state of our friendship. So I just figured I was psycho or something and was angry with myself for being so emotional. I have a really smart friend, Christina, who was my very best friend in college and I called her Wednesday night and said:

Me: Christina, I need to talk to you about my frequent crying episodes.

Christina: You're having crying episodes?

Me: Yes, it's awful.

Christina: Well, what has happened?

Me: Nothing! I am just a total freak show!! I had a great trip and now I'm back and I'm a wreck.

Christina: Um, Erin, are you kidding me? You got the sh*t kicked out of you last year, that's what has happened.

Me: Ohhhh. Is that what you think this is about?

Christina: Yes! This is not about you missing your friend. This is about you experiencing 2 major losses, then moving across the country and going straight into survival mode. This is so normal. Frankly, I am relieved to hear that you are sad and having crying episodes. You need to grieve!

Me: But it's so painful. How do I make it stop?

Christina: Erin, I know you are a very productive person so when you want something in your life to change, you make it change. But you can't do that with grief. You have to just go through it.

Me: Great. How long did it last for you after your Dad died?

Christina: Probably a good solid year.

Me: I am going to need some drugs to be able to function. I cannot function like this.

Christina: Drugs might help, and stock up on the wine and a journal. Maybe write some poetry.

Me: Well, this has been very helpful. I don't feel like such a freak show now. I kept wondering when it would hit me. I guess it's now.

I thought I was feeling a little too good considering what I've been through. I do have a natural anti-depressant that I started taking tonight. It apparently provides results within a few days. I'll let you know. It's called Anxius.

I talked with a counselor today and we'll talk again next week. She was very helpful and full of insight into the grief triggers and my fear of abandonment and anticipation of rejection. Fun stuff.

I'm pretty darn overwhelmed. This is the single mom life. Unless you have lived it, you can't comprehend it. I had the pleasure of hearing Angela Thomas speak tonight and as she described the life of a single mom, I couldn't believe that we actually do what we do and stay alive. I am not tooting my horn, here, I hope you know that. I'm not doing it real well at the moment, but I'm doing it the best I can. I guess that's all I can do.

It's April!

It's pretty hard to believe that it's been about a year since my world first got turned upside down. A year. Wow.
I have not had time to blog, to watch TV, to read more than 2 pages at a time of any book, to surf the web or read blogs, etc. Any free time I have is invested in my relationships. I like it that way.
I did have the pleasure of getting out of town last week/weekend. 2 of my dearest friends here in Colorado took great care of Jackson for me while I visited a friend who I met 16 years ago. It was so good to get out of my weekly routine and kind of immerse myself into someone else's life for a few days. I felt emotionally recharged while I was away but coming back to the daily grind was much harder than I expected it to be. I miss my friend.
Jackson and I moved into our new home 3 weeks ago. We are absolutely loving it here! It is a beautiful town home, much more beautiful than I imagined we'd be living in. I officially joined the real estate team I mentioned earlier. So far, so good and my real estate business is definitely picking up! Thank God!
My church is starting 40 Days of Community this week and I'm leading a women's group. I'm really excited to have the women in my home for fellowship.
I have so much to be thankful for. I cannot list all the ways people have reached out to help Jackson and me. I have been blown away. What continues to strike me is how much better equipped I am to offer support to those who are hurting. My heart hurts for those who hurt but I can also talk about the hope that comes only from God because even in the midst of my deepest pain, I felt God's loving arms around me and I knew He would take care of me.