This time, last year

I thought I'd check to see what was going on in my life last year at this time. Well, here you have it. Lots of passion, that's for sure!
PS I posted a post that I started 5 days ago...please don't miss it. It's below this one. :-)

Friday, July 27, 2007

Here is what God has me chewing on today...From The Message, Galatians chapter 5.It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good--crucified.(Here's the command, y'all) Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us in an original.

I was recently in a Sunday School class where we were discussing Spiritual Parenting. The topic of this discussion was about whether or not some people were meant to be parents. People were going back and forth about the convenience of being childless and how you really have to be selfless to be a good parent. It seemed kind of like a debate...and I thought the whole thing was pretty self-centered. I'm sure I wouldn't have seen it that way if I wasn't in my current situation, so I thank God, once again, for perspective!

Anyway, I eventually found a place to interject my thoughts and said that our utmost reason for living is to serve the Lord. And perhaps some people are in a position where serving the Lord is better done without babies, but who are we to say? And I wondered aloud if raising children is part of serving the Lord...it does seem to me that parenting is referred to quite a bit in God's Word. I don't really remember everything that said at the time, but what I do remember is the leader's response: "Well, Erin, that is quite an intellectual and spiritual thought, but I think if we're realistic..." And then my blood pressure went up because I don't understand how striving to serve the Lord is unrealistic.

We are called to be like Christ, for Pete's sake!! No, it's not easy. But the more we rely on Him, the more He is in us and working through us. I'm working on heeding God's Word, "Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives."

And I'm not doing this to be a "good Christian", I don't even understand what that means. I'm doing this because Christ did it and the more I seek God and obey Him, the fuller I become. Full of His Spirit and the fruits of His Spirit. I'm afraid so many people have chosen the life of Christ, but they're not living it. It seems impossible to live. And it is, it sure is!! But only if you're trying to do it on your own. I wonder, is that "trying to do it on your own" true legalism? I don't know, I'm just thinking aloud.

It seems I have spent too much time blogging this morning and am now late getting Jackson to school. Peace be with you all!

Eventually

Last night I was tucking Jackson into bed. I had put a towel down on the fitted sheet, hoping that if his Pull-Up leaked, it wouldn't be too big of a mess. Jackson was potty trained at 2 1/2 but doesn't wake up at night if he needs to go to the bathroom...kinda runs in the family. Anyway, we had this conversation:

Jackson: Mom, why are you putting the towel down?

Me: Just in case you leak tonight.

Jackson: But Mom, you know, if you just put a towel down, EVENTUALLY, it will

soak through right to the sheet.

Me: Laughter. Well, you're right! How'd you get to be so smart? I mean really,

EVENTUALLY?

He's such a good communicator.


Well, I put the towel down anyway, just made me feel better.


I'm feeling hazy these days. I hope to be blogging more often in coming weeks because I told the woman I've been working with/for since March that I need to phase out of my position. I cannot continue to work 24/7 in real estate. Sure, the money can be great but I've been stressed beyond words and going out of my mind.
A couple of weeks ago I felt God nudging me toward full time ministry. I thought I must have been making that up--I figured that everyone who is passionate about God feels that way sometimes (even though I've felt that way often for quite some time). I asked my friend Marie what she thought. She said what most of you are probably thinking...Um, I'm passionate about God, but I've never felt called to full time ministry. I think God is telling you something. My first reaction was feeling tired. Like, God, can't I just relax??? My second reaction was knowing there was no way I was going to try to plan my future in ministry. Hey!! I HAVE learned something and it has STUCK! No, no planning. Praying, yes, listening, yes, putting my feelers out, yes, taking some risks, yes. Planning, no.
My heart is for women and their marriages. And for women who have suffered divorce. I have lived in a sucky marriage and it is the loneliest place I can imagine. And I have suffered divorce and know that God can make beauty from ashes. I also know that satan gets all the satisfaction when a marriage has lost its joy and boy, does he ever work hard to make that happen! That is not okay with me. That's about all I know at this point.
ALTHOUGH, God did show me that in order to pursue ministry opportunities, I need to lighten my work load. Hence the job decision. He also gave me the great idea of Go Green Clean and by golly, I'm going to work toward franchising it! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!
And thank the Lord, I've had wonderful closure regarding that relationship I've mentioned. Phew!
I kind of have a lot to say. I've also decided to be more proactive in doing fun activities with Jackson. We're going to start hiking some trails that are doable for a 5 year old. I really love to camp but can't really do that by myself with Jackson. The Lyon's Folk Festival is in a couple of weeks and I'm pretty sure you can set up camp at the festival. So, that's what we're going to do! Live music, lots of people, good eats, and sleeping under the stars. What could be better? And I'm going to see about joining a single parents Meetup. I know a lot of single moms but would love to join a group with single dads too...nice to have them around for the heavy lifting and fire making.
So back to feeling hazy. My passion is subdued right now and I don't like it one bit. I feel restless and at the same time, lazy. This is probably not accurate but it's how I feel. Perhaps God is giving me the time to "just relax" that I have expressed a need for. I don't know what the heck is going on, but I'm ready for my hunger for the next Word from God to come back. I had a thought today that I'm pretty sure was actually the Holy Spirit. I thought that perhaps I need to put myself "out there" and get involved in some sort of ministry that would challenge me to seek God, hear from Him, repent of some sin, and GROW. And share! Again, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!
Okay, Jackson is in bed already (it's 7:45!) and so I'm going to take advantage of this time and find a good television drama to stare at for a little while.

flawed

These days I find myself repeating over and over, "I trust You, I trust You, I trust You." The fight against my own flesh is never-ending, it seems. It is SO easy to fall back into harmful patterns of the past. I think I need to read my blog.
I traveled to TX last week. I missed my flight and had a melt-down at the United customer service counter. I was at the gate 10 minutes before my flight left and begged to get on the plane so I could meet up with my 5 year old son in Austin. The "customer service" person did not sympathize with me. People were watching me. I got on the next flight (3 hours later) stand-by. The night before I left for TX, I got a phone call from my relocation clients in AZ. They were planning to be in Denver Sunday thru Wednesday and needed to find a house and close at the end of the month. I was torn. On the one hand, I really needed that paycheck. On the other hand, I felt guilty because my Dad had purchased our plane tickets and I didn't want to have to change them and cut our visit short. I called my Mom. She said, "You need to go back early." So we changed the tickets to come back Sunday instead of Tuesday. I got up at 5:00 am on Sunday with Jackson and flew home, drove to Castle Rock, got ready to show homes in Golden, and took Jackson to a friend's house. Showed homes for 3 hours, came home and searched for homes for 3 more hours. Got up Monday morning and showed homes for 3 hours again, then drove to the other side of Denver to show more homes for 3 hours. As I was driving to pick up Jackson, I got a call from the AZ couple. They had decided to rent. Are you FREAKING kidding me? I wanted to cry. Lord, Lord, Why?
Of course, in my mind, what's best for me is lots of closings, easy clients, money in the bank, RIGHT NOW!!!! I suppose God sees that I still have some hard lessons to learn, especially patience and self control. I suppose I also have no idea what God has planned for me so I'd better be paying close attention.
I'd gotten to this good place regarding men and then POOF! I'm back to wanting what God has clearly said is not good for me right now. I was beating myself up about it, but I'm past that (yes, a lot can happen in 24 hours). Instead of trying not to feel a certain way, I've decided to talk to God about the feelings when they're flooding through me. I'm not talking about wanting a relationship in general, this one is specific. Don't you wish I could divulge all the details?!
On a totally different topic, there is a Fundie (short for Fundamentalist) at my church and he's kind of driving me crazy. Oh, the constant Scripture quoting and calling people heretics. Lord, help me behave!!!
I needed to purge. Thanks for listening.