1 Year Ago Today

It is amazing how much can happen in a year. Thank you for following our story, for encouraging me, and especially for praying for us.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Griffin Jacob
Brought to you with permission:Today at 5:30 Eastern Standard Time, Erin delivered Griffin Jacob naturally, without any need for induction...he died in utero. He weighed in at 12 ounces and measured 10 inches long. Erin said he has Jackson's nose, George's jaw line and a muscular build like a long, lanky basketball player (Erin has a great lean muscular build but she probably didn't say that so she wouldn't be bragging...so I added that part). Erin was grateful that she was able to go into labor on her own. Earlier today the doctors did an amnio where they injected some sort of blue fluid and then waited to see when or if it left her body. It came out immediately, meaning there was a tear in her amniotic sac. She said she and the nurse and her mom have taken a lot of pictures because a photographer wasn't available due to the quick delivery. Tonight Erin and George will have a blessing service to dedicate Griffin Jacob to the Lord. If you are interested in Erin's contact information, please email me at: I'll get back to you as soon as possible. She does not know how long they will keep her at the hospital.Thank you so much for your prayers. Erin said she could sense God's peace beyond measure.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Miracles and Mourning
Did you know that Colorado has THE most beautiful sky? It's so BLUE!!!I want to give you all a run down of how things went at the hospital so that you can know how powerful your prayers are.On Saturday morning (the 25th) I woke up to a gush of blood. I changed my pad and soaked through it within 45 minutes. I also thought I might be having contractions. Griffin was always a strong kicker, but I was feeling a tightness that resembled Braxton Hicks. George had helped pack the night before and stayed the night so he was at the house. I told him about the bleeding and contractions. We decided to go to the hospital even though I was sure they'd check me out and send me home with a prescription for more bed rest. So we got to the hospital and they took me up to Labor and Delivery instead of to the ER. And then it was pretty clear that I'd be there at least overnight. I was dehydrated so they started an IV and then decided I needed to be on a catheter because every time I got up to go to the bathroom, I leaked a ton of blood and sometimes large clots.I called my mom to let her know what was happening. She and my Dad were in Pennsylvania for a wedding that weekend and she was supposed to fly home to Texas that Sunday and then fly to VA on Tuesday. I figured they were only 4-5 hours away and so asked if we could figure out a way to get her to VA on Sunday. So my aunt drove my mom down to the WV/MD border and George and Jackson drove up to meet them. By this time, the doctor had informed me that I would be staying at the hospital on bed rest until my bleeding had completely stopped for 48 hours. My instructions were to drink a lot of water and be very still. I thought, "This I can do. I WILL get out of here!"Later in the afternoon on Sunday, I had a gush of blood while lying down and called in the nurse to check it out. She thought it looked pretty watery and was concerned I might be leaking amniotic fluid. The doctor came in and we talked about the risks involved with that. This is when I first became scared. As they were wheeling me down to ultrasound, I actually thought to myself, "This doesn't feel right. I feel like I shouldn't be pregnant anymore. I'm afraid for my life." Then I felt really morbid and selfish for even thinking that! The ultrasound showed that my amniotic fluid was really low...measuring 9.3 and the normal range is between 8 & 20.By this time our main concern was hemorrhaging. I was at an extremely high risk for having a total bleed out and dying within 3 minutes. With the knowledge of the low amniotic fluid came the concern of my contracting an infection. Those two things combined were very scary for me and my family. That night I had pictures of Griffin so small and wrapped in a blanket in my arms...but not alive. I couldn't understand why I was seeing something like that b/c I am normally such a determined, positive person. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to not be pregnant anymore in order to stay alive. So I accepted the images of Griffin...and they weren't scary. They were completely peaceful.I had another ultrasound Monday morning and found that the amniotic fluid had decreased to 4. Not good. The doctor came to talk with me and George around noon and told us that it did look like I had a tear in the amniotic sac and that Griffin would not survive, and that I would only survive by delivering Griffin. I felt prepared for this news, but George was not. He had a hard day. My doctor had been in contact with a Dr. Chisholm at UVA Medical Center in Charlottesville who said I needed to be there and he could take very good care of me and Griffin. He apparently was very skilled at delivering non-viable babies vaginally with a placenta previa. It would be similar to a DNC but keeps the babies "in tact". I know, I'm sorry for the vulgarity. So at 3:15 pm on Monday the 27th, I was transported to UVA.Nothing happened once I got there because the team of doctors wanted to observe me and do their own tests. So I got poked and prodded and then given an ambien so I could sleep. :-)The next day started with a bang as I was a high priority on this high risk L&D floor. Dr. Chisholm did an ultrasound and after what seemed like an eternity he said, "Well, I haven't seen your other ultrasounds but I know a lot of people saw that you had a placenta previa. But you don't have a previa anymore. Your placenta is completely off your cervix." We could not believe it. I just knew God had performed a miracle overnight and had moved the placenta. Miracle #1!!Next was my 3rd pelvic exam which are no fun anyway, but the tools he used looked large enough to jack up a car. So that was hard and painful and pretty much humiliating but necessary. He was hoping to get enough fluid to look for ferning, which would confirm that I was leaking amniotic fluid. At this point, the doctor was 95% sure that I was losing amniotic fluid, but didn't have any scientific confirmation. So he sat with us for a while and gave us a library of information on our situation. We were basically faced with the impossible decision between inducing labor which would terminate the pregnancy and waiting it out to see what might happen. With so little amniotic fluid, Griffin could not grow and develop healthfully. He would be severely handicapped, mostly likely with lung disease and the need for a respirator for the rest of his life. There were a multitude of other handicaps that I can't even remember. And he was 100% certain that I would contract a severe infection within 10-14 days. I couldn't make the decision to induce labor without knowing for sure that I was leaking amniotic fluid. So I told Dr. Chisholm that I wanted to do the amniocentisis and that if it confirmed that I was leaking amniotic fluid, I wanted to go ahead and induce labor. He was relieved by my decision because he also did not want to terminate my pregnancy without knowing for sure.At 2:00 pm on Tueday the 28th, Dr. Chisholm injected blue dye into the amniotic sac and found that the sac was so empty that he could not extract any fluid for testing. He told me that if I was going to see blue spotting, it would be in 4 to 8 hours. So I prepared to wait. At 2:20, I saw blue. Miracle #2. Dr. Chisholm confirmed it and I said, "So now I just let you know when I'm ready to be induced?" and he said, "Yes, but there is absolutely no rush. I know how hard this is so you just take your time and let me know if you have any questions." Earlier I had asked him if there was an average amount of time it takes a woman at 20 weeks to go from being induced to delivering. Unfortunately, the answer was 24 hours. But I was at least comforted by knowing that I would be able to deliver Griffin without the need for intervention because God had moved my placenta.After the doctor left my room, I was overwhelmed again with having to decide when to be induced for a labor that Griffin would not survive. I just didn't want to have to make that sort of decision!! At 2:30 I said to my mom, "I think I'm in labor." Miracle #3! And sure enough, within an hour I was asking for pain medication and by 5:00 I was asking for an epidural and then by 5:10 I was pushing (never needed that epidural!) and at 5:30 Griffin Jacob was delivered and even more beautiful than I had imagined he would be. I then held him, wrapped in a white blanket, and felt completely at peace.The whole time I was in labor, I was thanking God for his extreme love for me that he took away all the hard decisions and made everything crystal clear.Yesterday I took my mom to the airport after lunch and Jackson was asleep in the back seat. And I finally bawled my eyes out in mourning for my family. For my septic marriage and the loss of my baby. I had cried after the doctor told us we were going to have to make a heart wrenching decision and I had gotten teary eyed a few other times but I think my adrenaline was pumping overtime and it wasn't until I was alone and back in Colorado...back where things were so different a year ago...that the tears really came. I cried most of the way from the airport to the place where George is staying. He got Jackson out of the car and I got the car seat out and he asked if I was doing okay and I told him I was just sad about Griffin and I started to cry again. He was holding Jackson, who was still asleep, and opened up his arm to me and I fell into him, just letting it all out. I had been so sad that we weren't able to mourn Griffin together as his parents and I guess I just needed to cry with him because he lost his baby too.Thank you for praying for us and lifting us up. I love hearing from you! Please continue to pray for the healing of our hearts and especially for the softening of George's heart toward me and toward God.

This is me, on a regular basis

Please let me know if you have days like this:

After I picked Jackson up from school yesterday, we came home and I got ready to go to the gym. I'm training for the Denver Marathon (although I'm running the 1/2 marathon) on October 19th. My mom is coming up from TX to run it with me and I'm recruiting as many of my friends to run it as I can. So, I get changed, make a sandwich for Jackson to take to the gym, and head out the door. I lock the door from the inside and pull it shut and just as it clicks shut, I realize I left my keys inside. And then I remember that my spare keys are inside as well, instead of in the garage where they should be. Grrrreeaaat.


So I sit down on my front "porch" steps and call my landlord, Brett. Of course I know he's probably out of town on business. I leave him a message. I think about my options. I feel certain that I locked the door to my balcony, and also certain that even if it was unlocked, I would not be able to scale the wall to get up to my 2nd floor balcony. If there was any way I could avoid shelling out money for a locksmith, I would try it. So I called my friend, Matt. He's the type of person who would know how to pick a lock. He thought he might be able to do it, so he grabbed his car lock-picking tools and came over. He also brought a rope so he could scale the wall up to my balcony.

He scaled the wall, only to find a locked door. He worked diligently and with much fervor at picking my lock, but to no avail. Then my neighbor, MJ, came walking by. She works for the Sheriff's department...at the jail. She's tough. She made some phone calls to see if any public safety departments could pick a lock. Nope.

While she was on the phone, Matt and I were sitting at the top of the steps. My other neighbor came out of her condo with her dogs, to let them go to the bathroom. The first dog, an Australian Shepherd raced past us to the grass and peed. MJ is not a huge fan of dogs, especially when they touch her. So when the next dog, Sadie (a golden retriever), came racing out, I grabbed her and held her between Matt and myself while her owner tried to get control of her dog situation. Well, Sadie loves people and was apparently dying to urinate, so as I'm holding her close to me, she begins to pee. And she's so excited about these new people that she's whacking her tail on the pavement with much glee...flinging the urine all over me and into Matt's hair. Totally disgusting, but also so funny that I just started to laugh. Of course, my neighbor was mortified and it was not her fault that we were sitting outside her condo, so I was really trying to make light of the situation. She got Sadie back inside and took the other dog for her quick walk. When she was out of earshot, MJ started walking up the steps and said, "Her freaking dogs are out of control" and she immediately tripped and fell on the steps. WHAT? What is happening here? She got up and said, "Well, that's what I get for talking badly about people." I just couldn't believe the sequence of events!

So, we called a locksmith. While we were waiting for him, Matt climbed back up to my balcony to untie his rope. Getting back down without a rope is tricky. So MJ, being really tough and all, thought perhaps she should help him. MJ is about 5 feet tall and pretty stocky. Matt can't see her and she walked right underneath him just as he was about to jump down! Matt said, "Oh, please don't do that, I almost jumped onto you" and MJ said, "No, it's okay, you can step on my shoulder to get down" to which Matt laughed and said, "Um, that doesn't sound like a good idea. I'd crush you." And he jumped down. Then MJ said, "You wouldn't have crushed me, how much do you weigh?" Matt said, "Oh definitely more than you. 205." MJ says, "Me too". WHAT??? Are they having this conversation??? Matt laughs and says, "No way." And MJ defends her weight, yes: 205 dammit. I don't want to think where the conversation is headed, so I thank MJ for her help and she goes into her house.

So, along comes the locksmith. He gets out is nifty little tool, puts it in the key hole, jiggles it around for about 3 minutes, and unlocks the door. $65. Perfect. Stupid-tax. I get out my checkbook and say, "who should I make the check out to?". Locksmith says, "you can make it out to me." "Great, what's your name?" "Jeff" "Do you have a last name?" Pause. Pause. "Heffner" AM I ON CANDID CAMERA???

My neighbor brought out some wipes for us to clean up with. I wiped off and asked Matt if he wanted a wipe for his hair. He said, "I don't have pee in my hair." I said, "Um, yes you do. It's crystalizing." He said, "No, it's just wax. I used a new hair product today." Okay, believe what you want to Matt. I just hope he showered before he went to bed.


--And yes, my playlist needs help. I'm working on it. Just replay Held over and over.

Proud Mama

I am crazy about my church. I must say that we are doing church really well. We are impacting our community for Jesus, we are challenged and following God through hard times, and we are loving each other well.
I want to share with you something that left me speechless today:

After first service, Matt and Jackson and I went The Waffle House. As usual, Matt and I were talking about God's lessons. Toward the end of our meal, there was a lull in the conversation and Jackson said, "Matt, would you like the rest of my waffle?" Matt said yes and thanked him. Then Jackson said, "Would you also like the rest of my bacon?" And Matt said, "Jackson, thank you. That is so nice of you!" To which Jackson replied, "Well, that is what I do for nice people." Matt asked Jackson if he learned that in KidzJam and Jackson said, "Yes, it's called honoring others." My jaw dropped as I stared in amazement at my son.

Most of what our kids learn is learned from our behavior. Those we surround ourselves with and what we talk about has a huge impact on our children. Do you think if Matt and I had been talking about something trivial--or worse yet, gossiping about someone--Jackson would have been thinking about what he learned at church that morning? I wasn't thinking about that while Matt and I were talking, we just happen to love God and talk about Him all the time. But as I reflect, I can see how the combination of Jackson's time in church, my time in church, what I talk to Jackson about, and my conversation with those I spend time with directly impacts the kind of person Jackson is becoming. It's kind of a "duh" moment, but so good to see the fruit of the Holy Spirit in Jackson's life!

Embark

For those of you still coming around to read, thanks.

This has been an intense week. I finished up with some clients who I started working with in May. It's been THE most frustrating project. It was usurping. All of my time, energy, and mental capacity was used to get this deal DONE. Now that it is over, I feel so very free!

I also feel able to really get into building Go Green Clean. I'm starting to actually feel passionately about it. Yay!

An interesting thing has happened. I met someone at church who shares my passion for Jesus, who loves to communicate and does it well, who enjoys the very same things that I enjoy, and I love to spend time with him. He is an excellent friend. All the elements of a romantic relationship are there except for the "go ahead" from God. I suppose that is not necessarily an element of a romantic relationship, but since we're marriage-minded it kinda is. It is an odd thing, wanting to so much to spend time with someone who is God-centered, but not being able to.

Romans 12:1-2 have been my "life verses" for awhile. Mostly the 2nd verse, about not conforming to this world, listening to and obeying God, and knowing His perfect peace. But this week God began to speak clearly to me about giving my body to Him as a living sacrifice. I know that I need to be prepared to marry quickly when I've met the right person. And I'm not ready to get married again. I am finally enjoying my independence, my space. I don't feel lonely very often and I'm not ready to say good-bye to my private little world. So, considering my chemistry with this friend of mine, and not being ready to get married, there will be no relationship. And he has some very good, respectable reasons of his own--straight from God.

It is good for me to be able to "hash" things out with someone. Often times, if I can talk out my thoughts and feelings, I have great clarity. I'm grateful my friend was patient with me, and let me talk A LOT.

Well, it is really late and I'm really tired so I'm really going to bed now.

Love ya!