Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Growing Pains

When it comes to pain associated with God growing me, I'm pretty adolescent. I don't like it and I throw a tantrum to show just how much I dislike the pain. I try to get out of it, to make it go away, to control it. I definitely don't consider it "pure joy", for Pete's sake!
The growing pains I'm experiencing right now are unwelcome. I don't like it. I don't want to grow anymore. Can't I just be "normal" like "everyone else"? Do I really need to be all healed and whole to be in a healthy, loving relationship? Why make me wait and do all this work, Lord?
*Insert self-absorbed moaning here.*
The truth is, when I recognized an area in my life that seems quite immature compared to the rest of me, I was scared. That's putting it mildly. Scared sh*tless is probably more accurate. I didn't understand how that part of me was so immature and unhealthy and I didn't know how to get better. But I was pretty sure it would need some healing before I could really move forward. I know it sounds dramatic, but I imagined that I'd never get better and so would never get married again. Talk about scared!
The good news is that I had an appointment with my counselor that afternoon. I told her what I'd recognized and we worked down to its point of origin. When we got there, I was so relieved because I could feel God's hand in it. Like He was saying, "It's all been leading up to this. This is the biggie. I want to heal you." I think I have a long road of healing, recovery, and restoration ahead of me. And while I am not looking forward to the pain involved, I am very much looking forward to the freedom that awaits me.

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