I have this thing. This thing that I do when I'm drawn to something or someone. Actually, it's usually a something because I am rarely vulnerable enough to do this with a someone. When I'm drawn to an idea or a hobby or a career path, I throw myself into it with everything I have. I go for the gold, I give it my ALL. And I don't look back.
This thing I do has made my heart vulnerable. I feel like I was invited to a wonderful party and then abruptly kicked out. I opened my heart to 3 people, invested my heart deeply, and the timing sucked. I'm surprised by the ache of loss that I feel. It's getting better, day by day, but it makes me wonder...
I wonder if this is just the way I am and will always be and that's what makes me special. Or if I need to keep my walls up regardless of what the person I'm in a relationship is saying to me about their intentions.
I'm kind of tired of being strong. Before I met Mr. Hunky, I was busy with lots of great things but I was settling into the single routine and I realized that I don't want to be so independent that I don't make room for a partner. So I got the courage to put myself out into the dating world and I met someone that I connected with right off the bat. I was surprised and excited. And now I'm feeling the loss of a companion...and the truth is, I'm made for companionship. I'm made for partnership. I thrive in that kind of relationship. But I'm really afraid of putting myself out there again.
And I'm just tired. George moved to Maryland 6 weeks ago and the lack of weekend breaks is catching up with me. It's hard doing this alone. Jackson is such a good kid and makes things pretty easy on me, but he's 7. He has his moments. Major moments. And it's tiring. I am burned out.
I have some great things happening in the rest of my life. I'm heading up Women's Ministry at my church and planning a retreat at the end of February. I'll be speaking at the retreat, beginning to realize my dream of being a public speaker. I'm getting really close to finishing my degree. I'm meeting awesome new people and developing new friendships. All this is great! But I can't deny that something is missing.
We've been reading through the book of Ruth at church. What a powerful and unexpected story. Ruth and Naomi were bold. They didn't sit back and let life happen to them. They asked for what they wanted and needed. It's been inspiring (that's an understatement!) to me--to not let the pain of this love bite keep me from boldly asking for what I really want and then going for it.
I doubt. I guess that's human. I don't want to doubt that God's plan for me includes a hunky man. But I do. Lord, help me not to doubt!