Sunday, August 25, 2013

Transition

It seems that every couple of years, life shifts and I brace myself for change.

I used to be a change-fein. Change seemed to be the epitome of adventure and I craved it like nothing else. Usually change involved a move--like across country. I suppose that's because I grew up moving around. Here, let me show you:
Age 6 mos: moved from Oklahoma to Illinois
Age 3 years: moved from Illinois to Texas
Age 12 years: moved from Texas to Illinois
Age 14 years: moved from Illinois to Kansas (blech)
Age 18 years: moved from Kansas to Texas
Age 18 years: moved from Texas to California
Age 20 years: moved from California to Connecticut
Age 21 years: moved from Connecticut to New York
Age 22 years: moved from New York to Texas
Age 23 years: moved from Texas to Colorado

Then I got married, had a baby, started a "real" career and stayed. I loved Colorado! I mean, who doesn't right? Living in Denver means warm, sunny days almost all year long (look people, I know you think it's freezing there in the winter, but the air is dry and when the sun is out, the last thing you want is a coat), gorgeous scenery and mountains to play in.
But life wasn't all fun and games in Colorado. Marriage was hard. Working in real estate while caring for a baby was challenging. Feeling responsible for everything sucked the wind out of my sails.
At some point, I started to crave security instead of change. Life felt a little out of control. I thought keeping things under my control would help me feel some peace.
I don't know if you've figured this out yet, so I'll let you in on a little secret. We can't keep things under our control. Sorry to be the one to tell you. I know it's hard to believe. Especially if you've been working really hard to do that for a while now. It's better you know now than later, I promise.
Anyway, all those attempts to control my surroundings (and the people surrounding me) pretty much blew up in my face and so I had this genius thought "I know what we need! CHANGE!"
And so...
Age 29 years: moved from Colorado to Virginia (all hell broke loose)
Age 30 years: moved from Virginia to Colorado
To put it mildly, that was a time of transition. Yeah. Separation, loss of a child, divorce, financial suicide.
I won't get into all of that here. You can go back to 2007 and 2008 to read about it. If you like.
Although my trust in God increased one thousand fold, I no longer had the audacity to take risks. No risky business, please. Just give me security. Life is too fragile. Please don't shake things up. And so I strove for freedom in my spiritual life but clung to boundaries in the physical. I guess that's normal after tragedy. But after awhile I knew it wasn't all that God had for me.
I suppose I've taken some risks since then. I did, after all, sell my cleaning business and move to Texas.
Age 34 years: moved from Colorado to Texas
I moved here to be close to my family and hoped to have the kind of support I had missed as a single mom in Colorado. But then my parents divorced just months after I moved here and the weekends at the family abode I'd wished for sadly never happened.
Lots of good has come. God has clearly led us on a journey toward healing--both for Jackson and for me. Like everyone else, we have deep wounds that beg for the healing work of Jesus. In his graciousness, God has brought us to a place where we can receive healing. And I am so grateful and overwhelmed by his goodness.
And I feel on the verge. I feel it's time to stop living in mediocrity out of fear of the unknown. It's just not my style, but it's become my security blanket. If I live small, there's only a small chance that things will go wrong. Ever thought that? I'll tell you what, it really is harder to take risks when you're a single parent. It just is. So much hinges on my time and income. Or does it?
I'm selling another cleaning business this week. And then what? I'm so done with mediocrity. I'm ready to take a big leap, to let my dreams become reality, to allow God to do what he does best: accomplish his will through the lives of those who say "yes" to him. I want to be that girl.
I'm inviting you to walk with me as I discover who that girl is.
I am inspired by a new "friend" Hilary Rushford. Read her awesome story here: Dean Street Society
Have you gone through a transition like this? Are you in one now? What does it look like for you?

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